Friends, Frenemies and Enemies ... Oh My!!

There is a saying that I’ve never really understood, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” What does that mean? I guess it means that if your enemies are close then you know what they are up to. However, it me, it also means they are close enough to glean a lot of valuable information about you (that they can later use against you) and, of course, they are close enough to stab that knife deep into you back.


For me, the saying should say, “Keep your friends close and your enemies as far away as possible.” To me you should keep good people close and ethical, loyal and positive people even closer. Surround yourself with people who see the best in you and who you can encourage and support as well.  Basically, you should see the best in each other.


I try to keep the time I spend with spiteful, negative and jealous people to a minimum. This has not been easy but it’s been worth it. There are people I have known since grade school that I’ve slowly moved out of my circle. After a series of events, I realized they didn’t want the best for me. In fact, in a couple of cases they actually went out of their way to see me fall and then kick me when I was down. Sure, we’d known each other forever, but how much is that worth when the outcome is so detrimental?


I didn’t make a scene or have a dramatic confrontation; I just slowly stopped calling and seeking out their company. I also closed down when I did see them (we ran in the same circles). I didn’t tell them about who I was dating, what job I was applying for or confide in them about any family issues. I was polite and friendly but on a very surface level. Eventually, I moved to another city … which made it avoiding them a lot easier! LOL! 


This also applies to family. Choosing your family isn’t an option but how much time you spend with them and how much you share with them is up to you. A close family is a beautiful thing but when that close family specializes in tearing you down, harping on your mistakes or verbally harassing you it ceases to be a thing of beauty. There are members of my extended family that are very extended and that is a very intentional decision.


Luckily, I don’t have too many enemies but for those few, I want to me be so far away that they’ll have to throw that dagger if they want to stab me in the back!

Disengage the AutoPilot

All of us, at one point or another, have driven to work, school or even home and realized when we got there that we really didn't know how we did it. In other words, we do it so often that it's second-nature. It's rote. We do it without even thinking about it. We made that drive with the autopilot on.

It's not so bad. We travel that route over and over again. It's natural that we stop thinking about it.

What about autopilot for our lives? We get up, we get dressed, we go to work, we come home, we eat, we watch TV or get on the computer, we go to bed. We travel that route over and over again. Of course, it's natural that we stop thinking about it… only it's not.

Kids grow up quickly. We seem to age overnight. If we aren't careful, we'll blink and realize that years have gone by and we barely even noticed it. Relationships come and often they go with the good times becoming faint memories and the bad times remaining vivid and strong. Life happens whether we are watching it or not, whether we are ready or not. We don't have the luxury of autopilot. We need to be present and focused every day. We must live every day … and live it fully.

One of the security guards at my job died over the weekend. I will miss her terribly. Hers is the first face I remember even before I started her a year and a half ago. She greeted me with a smile on both of my interviews. When I came in early to take my badge photo, she made me laugh, and that is why I'm smiling so broadly on my photo. She was at that front desk every day until Christmas. None of us knew how sick she was until the very end.

I'm sure just about everyone in a building of over 600 people has a Barbara story. I have tons. She was a woman who had an infectious laugh and a quick sense of humor. She remembered faces and names and had a kind word for everyone. She didn't live on autopilot. She was present every day, experiencing life in its fullness and touching lives everywhere she went. We should all be so lucky.

Smarty Marty

My dog Marty recently celebrated his 12^th birthday. In dog year’s, he’s 64 (for a true dog age calculator based on breed, click here). I’ve had him for 10 of his 12 years. Together we’ve moved across country and back. He’s been there for me through thick and thin. Boyfriends have come and go but Marty has remained my constant companion and biggest fan.

Pets bring so much to our lives and Marty has given me so much joy over the years. However, he’s also taught me a thing or two.

A Little Enthusiasm Goes a Long Way: Marty is genuinely excited to see me when I get home and sometimes after a bad day, it helps that some living thing who is excited to see me! His enthusiasm is definitely contagious!

Forgive and Forget: Marty doesn’t carry a grudge. Even if I yell at him or scold him, in a few minutes, it’s all forgotten and forgiven. Of course, that is much easier for a canine than a human but I think we could all be a little more forgiving at times.

Forget Your Age: To see Marty, you’d have no idea he’s 12 (or 64). He still bounces out of the door for walks and chases after other dogs and even the occasional rabbit. If he had any idea how old he is, I can’t tell! Don’t let your age keep you from enjoying yourself and having fun! Enjoy life!

Be a Good Friend:  Marty is good at reading my moods. He can tell when I’m down or upset and he is always ready with a cuddle or even to lick a tear from my eye. I think sometimes we get so wrapped up with ourselves that we don’t connect with those closest to us. We always need to be ready with love and support when a spouse, friend, or child is having a difficult time.

Your Own Best Friend

If your best friend suffered a major setback, what would you do?
Would you...

a) Be there with the Kleenex and a shoulder cry on?
b) Comfort her and let her know everything would be okay?
c) Sit down with him and help him map out next steps?
d) Call her stupid, ask her why she always messed up and tell her that things would never change?

Normally, we do a-c for a friend in trouble, and we reserve d for ourselves. We understand the need to be understanding and compassionate to others; but we reserve the meanness, criticism and outright cruelty for the person who matters most.

Sometimes, a little dose of 'tough love' might serve as motivation - a swift kick to get you up and moving. However, too much tough love becomes a paralyzing force. It immobilizes us and stops us from moving forward. It turns a failure from a temporary setback into a permanent fixture. Sometimes, we can shame ourselves so badly that we actually end up taking two steps backwards.

When it comes to your self-talk or inner monologue, talk to yourself as you would talk to a best friend. Be gentle. Be kind. Like you would with a true friend, you want to also be truthful, but there is a way to deliver that truth with grace and caring.

Be to yourself the kind of friend you would love to have, the kind of friend you already are to your friends!

The Social Network

The movie The Social Network is all the rage right now (you can read my review of it over on my movie review blog here). It’s all about the founder of Facebook and the world’s youngest billionaire, Mark Zuckerman. Although his web site is all about friends, the movie shows how he lost some very good ones in his quest to create the perfect social network.

So how is your social network?

Like 500 million other people, I have a Facebook page. You can find me on it every once in a while but it’s far from an obsession. I have reconnected with old friends and it’s nice to be able to see photos of them and their families, but I crave more of a connection.

You can link in to co-workers, tweet your every thought and friend everyone you meet, but there is something to be said of a more intimate connection and by intimate I don’t mean a forwarded email sent to ten of your friends announcing that “It’s girlfriends day!”

A real connection involves some sort of connection – seeing someone’s eyes sparkle as they tell you a story or hearing the lilt in their voice when they talk about finally meeting the ‘one.’ The good thing about a real connection is that it doesn’t have to be a frequent connection.

As I crawled into bed after a wonderful birthday, my phone rang. It was an old friend from my high school days. We talk every two years or so. I got out of bed and we laughed and shared stories for the next 90 minutes. Anyone listening would have never known that two years had passed since we last spoke.

It was an intimate connection. It was a real connection with someone that I care about.

Now I do send well wishes and birthday greetings via Facebook or a funny e-greeting card. Some connection is better than none. But, picking up a phone or making a face-to-face visit when possible can never be replaced.

So while Facebook might be an important part of your social network, it should not represent your entire social network. Every once in a while, pick up a phone, go out for dinner and find a way to make a really connection and fully enjoy your social network.

Thank You For Being a Friend

One of my best friends is celebrating her birthday today. In the spirit of her special day, I just wanted to take a moment and talk about the power of friendship.

“You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends.” I’ve been fortunate throughout my life to choose to be friends with some truly extraordinary people. They’re not extraordinary in terms of fame or wealth, but extraordinary where it counts in the depths of their generosity, heart and capacity to love, accept and empathize.

As an adult, I’ve lived in six different states, from Ohio to Iowa, Arizona to Maryland, California to North Carolina. Yet I’ve made truly good friends everywhere I’ve been — friends who see the best in me and want the best for me; friends who will be honest with me without being brutal, friends who celebrate with me when things go right and help me figure it out when they don’t

Friendship is truly a blessing and I have been blessed over and over again. I can only hope that I’ve been as good a friend to my friends as they have been to me.
Happy Birthday T!