I Wish You Well

Over the years, I have been lied to by people I expected to always tell me the truth. I’ve been kind and generous to people who did not deserve either kindness or generosity. I’ve even turned the other cheek on occasions where a good slap could have felt a heck of a lot better. I used to get upset. I used to wonder ”Why me?” Sometimes I still do have those responses, but inevitably, now much sooner than later, I end up feeling the same way. I say to those who have wronged me, either in person or mentally, “I wish you well.”

I don’t wish them well with sarcasm or bitterness. I sincerely wish them well. First of all, holding on to anger hurts me more than it hurts them. I read a quote once that said refusing to forgive is like taking poison and hoping the other person will get sick.

Everything that happens happens for a reason and I truly believe that our mistakes, missteps and the evil people do, teach us lessons ... some a heck of a lot harder to learn  than others. I try to find the lesson. What can I do differently next time? What should I watch out for? What are the warning signs? What shouldn’t I tolerate? What can I start doing right now to make this situation better? Once I have the lesson, I’m prepared to move on. And, I move on with the knowledge that will prevent whatever happened before from happening again.

I am a better person than I was before and I wish them well.

Now wishing someone well and being the vehicle by which they do well are two wildly different things. I wish you well. I wish you get the help you need. I wish you see what the consequences of your actions. I wish you stop hurting yourself and those around you. I wish you get some peace and some happiness.

HOWEVER, I shouldn’t and won’t be responsible for getting someone help, or showing them the consequences of their actions or getting their pain to stop or taking on their happiness and peace of mind as my personal mission.

When I wish someone well, I release them of the power that hate, resentment, bitterness and even fear gives them over me. I send them out of my live without negativity. And, most often, I am sending them out. I don’t have room in my world for people who don’t have my best interest in mind. In the case of toxic family, I might not be able to send them out but I can keep them at a distance. Self-care is about more than bubble baths and manicure; it’s about doing what is best for you physically, emotionally and mentally.

Want a Happy Home?

I was listening to the radio on my drive home the other day and the deejays were discussing an interesting question. “With most women working and super busy, does the average woman know how to make a happy home?” Obviously, there is quite a bit of sexism in that question, however, it got me thinking.

When asking about what it takes to make a happy home, there is an underlying assumption that the people involved want a happy home. I would argue that there are many people for whom happiness is not the goal.

I remember a friend who went from one tumultuous relationship to the next. For her a stable, drama-free content relationship was, in her words, boring. A lot of people live on the adrenaline rush that comes with drama, conflict, strife and uncertainty. They want the roller coaster, not the Ferris wheel.

So for me, the first requirement for a happy home would be people who want to be happy. I think the first step for a happy anything is the desire to be happy. And most of us can be a little happier if we want to be.

Notice, I said happier … not richer. A lot of people equate happiness with material things and that isn’t the case. Looking back at your childhood, are your best memories the ones with the most expensive toys or are they the ones that cost nothing but laughter?

If happiness is your goal, don’t put it off until the perfect situation arises. Find happiness where you can find it right now.

I’m very single right now and frankly, I’d rather not be. However, I am not going to wait until I’m in a relationship to be happy. I’m going to enjoy right now. I make happiness a daily scavenger hunt. I try to uncover happy moments throughout my day – a laugh with a coworker, a conversation with a friend, playing with my dog, a favorite TV show, a nice bubble bath, fixing a good meal– are all things that bring a smile to my face and brighten my day a bit.

And that’s important. Happiness is a state of mind and it’s made up of moments. In between those moments, there are frustrations, annoyances and disappointments. Its choosing to focus on the happy that ultimately makes us happy … if that’s what you want.

So if you want a happy home, start by filling it with people who make happiness a priority.

The Recipe for Unhappiness

If you want to be unhappy, it’s easy. Complain about what you have. Get frustrated over what you don’t have. Compare yourself to people who have more. If you weren’t before, now you’re probably unhappy.

Unhappy people don’t appreciate what they have. A nice late model car, in good condition, is never as good as a BMW. A cozy 3-bedroom home isn’t nearly as nice as the 5-bedroom down the street. The 32-inch TV was good, until you saw the 50-inch. The relentless pursuit of bigger, better and more, more, more is a long frustrating road to unhappiness.

Unhappy people obsess over what other people have. The lives of others always look good. They have more money. They have better relationships. They have well-behaved kids. They have great jobs. They have it all … and we don’t. It’s exhausting being that exasperated!

So many people postpone happiness for another time. They’ll be happy … when they get married (or when they get divorced) … when they graduate … when they lose weight … when they get a new job or a raise … when they have a baby … when the kids are grown. Yet when those times come, guess what? They aren’t any happier.

Happiness has to happen now.

Happiness can happen now.

There is no other time for happiness.

Happiness starts with appreciating what you have right now. Money might not be flowing but you have great friends and family … so be happy now. You might still be single, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your solo time or nights out with the friends … so be happy now. You might not have the car or the job of your dreams … but you have the transportation to take you where you want to go and a job to tide to over until you find something better. In the meantime, enjoy your health, your family, your friends, your hobbies … so be happy now.

Someday will probably never come. What we have is today. Make today a good day by making the choice to be happy now.

Keys to Happiness: Happiness is a Choice, Part 2

Forget your troubles come on get happy! For this six week series, we'll discover some of the keys to happiness!
Happiness can be an easy choice to make when viewed from a ‘micro,’ a day-by-day basis. But, what about overall, what about when we look at the big picture, the ‘macro’ level. It’s hard to be happy in the midst of a divorce or an illness or financial difficulties. How do you choose happiness in the face of those large obstacles?

First of all, I’m talking about an overall condition of happiness, not a fleeting mood. Being happy overall doesn’t mean feeling happy all of the time. You can have a happy marriage and still have arguments and moments of frustration with your spouse. It doesn’t mean you don’t have a happy marriage. It means you have a real marriage. This is the kind of happiness I’m talking about.

Here’s my definition of happiness. Happiness is having problems you can manage. People have called that definition pessimistic or depressing, but I call it realistic. If you ask the man or woman on the street if they are happy, they’ll have to think about it. If I asked YOU right now, what would be the first thing that popped into your mind? Usually, it’s something negative. It’s the fact that you can’t sell your house and it’s negatively affecting your finances or your job situation or that health concern.

The first thing to pop into your head is normally that thing you feel is preventing your happiness. “If only…,” you stop and think. “If only I could get out of this debt, then I’d be happy.” “If only my relationship would improve, then I could be happy.” “If this health crisis would work out, I could be happy.”

So we keep happiness at bay, while we wait for that perfect storm of perfect circumstances when everything is exactly as it should be. Most of the time, it never comes. In real life, there is always something that could be better or different. There are things that will change that we wish would stay the same and there are things that stay the same that we wish would change.

Happiness happens in spite of all of those things and it’s still a choice. You do your best to handle the bad while you appreciate and take pleasure in the things that are good. You live in the present and enjoy the moment without getting overwhelmed with thoughts of the future or focusing on the regrets of the past. You see the glass as half full instead of half empty or complaining that it isn’t a full glass.

Keys to Happiness: It's a Choice, Part 1

Forget your troubles come on get happy! For this six week series, we'll discover some of the keys to happiness!

My mornings run pretty smoothly. Since it’s just me and the dog, there isn’t a lot that can get in my way in the morning. I get up work out, walk the dog, get dressed and head out the door. However, there are times when everything does not go as smoothly as planned.

A few months ago, I had a particularly bad start, Murphy and his darned law must have been hovering over my shoulder. I walked the dog and as I was picking up after him, I stepped in something that another pet owner had left behind (gross!). After I handled the messy shoes, I went to fix my morning coffee and knocked the entire travel mug over sending coffee spilling all over the counter top and the floor. Well, now I’m running late; so it’s inevitable that I would run into traffic!

As I sat in traffic, I called my boss and let her know I was running late. Next, I put on some music and called a friend who I knew was also on her way to work. We agreed that days that start off that bad have to get better. We didn’t project that the day was going to get worse.

When I got to work, I decided to be grateful that I got there in one piece. With the day I was having, it could have been worse.

Finally, when I walked through those doors, I visualized putting the bad things behind me and leaving them out there in the parking lot. Our moods are close to us, so close in fact, that it can be hard to change them, but it’s worth the effort. I ended up having a good day that day and I think it’s because I made the choice to have a better day.

So here are some tips for choosing happiness.

1. Realize that bad days and silly circumstances happen. Take a deep breath and move on. I was on a schedule and I didn’t have time to curse the dog that left the package or to cry over spilled coffee. When I felt the frustration creeping in, I actually said to myself “Crap happens. Deal with it. Keep it moving!”

2. Prepare for it. In the car, I called my boss and informed her I’d be late. I also called another co-worker and told her I’d be a minute or two late for our meeting. By making those quick calls, I alleviated a lot of worry and stress.

3. Find the humor in it. Can you believe I actually stepped in poop while going to pick up some poop? My friend and I had a good laugh about it on the phone.

4. Resist the urge to make things worse. “Why do these things always happen to me?” “Nothing ever goes right!” This is going to be a terrible day!” All of those kinds of statements just make a bad situation that much worse.

5. Use some mood changers. No not drugs and alcohol! LOL! By playing music I enjoyed in the car and calling an even-tempered friend, I diffused what could have been a bad situation.

You have a choice and you can choose to be happy. Sometimes you might choose to feel frustration or anger or sadness. That’s fine … as long as you recognize that the choice is yours!

Keys to Happiness: No Catastrophizing

Forget your troubles come on get happy! For this six week series, we'll discover some of the keys to happiness!

Catastrophizing? Think of a small snowball at the top of a mountain. As it rolls down, it picks up more snow and gets bigger. As it rolls, it also gets faster as it picks up momentum. Soon the snowball is huge as it barreling towards the bottom of the mountain at a break-neck pace.

Now, imagine a bad day at work. Your boss is not happy with something you submitted. It wasn't what he was looking for at all. You leave the meeting, shaken. Even though he sat down with you, told you what was wrong, how to fix it and gave you a few days to get it together, you are lost in thought as you drive home.

What will happen if you can't fix the report. What if you lose your job? In this economy, what will happen if you can't find another one? You only have so much in savings and your whole household budget is based on two incomes. Money is already a stressor at home. By your calculations, your saving will be depleted in three months.

What then? You might lose your house. Maybe you'll lose your marriage. As you pull into the driveway, you imagine you and the kids checking into a homeless shelter.

That's catastrophizing. A bad report (a snowball) spiraled into divorce and homelessness (a major snow boulder!). Catastrophizing is how we use our vivid imaginations to make bad things worse ... and before they even happen.

The best way to handle catastrophizing is to place your focus back on the original problem. The commute home from work would have been better spent reviewing the boss's suggestions. What can you do differently? Is there anyone who can help? Can you shift your schedule around so you can go in earlier or stay later? What can you do the next time to make sure you understand exactly what he's looking for. These are the kinds of questions that will empower you and not derail you.

If you find that snowball getting bigger, stop and question it. What are the chances of you really losing your job over this? Will your spouse really leave you? Do you think you'll actually end up in a homeless shelter?

Think of your imagination as you would electricity. It can illuminate a city or power an electric chair. The electircity hasn't changed. It's the application that is dramatically different. Let your imagination be a tool for good, a tool that empowers and motivates. Let it light up your life.

And by all means, keep your snowballs small!

Seizing the Day ... for Couples

A commenter recently asked me an interesting question. She asked, "Any suggestions for your readers who try to seize the day, but their partners don't? How can they make changes in their relationship with the person they love if that person refuses to move forward?"


I would say to seize it anyway. It could be that your partner doesn't think that seizing the day would be worth the effort. Maybe he (or she) thinks enjoyment takes time away from meaningful work. But do what you need to do for you and it's entirely possible that your spouse may come around.

Once he sees how the benefits of seizing and enjoying the day are working for you, he may be willing to give it a try. Like it or not, people are always watching us. Living our truth is the best proof. If you talk about seizing the day but spend that day griping and complaining then those actions, and not your words, will be what people see. If your partner sees you enjoying yourself and really living your words, they might decide to join in.

Involve them in your activities. Find things that you both enjoy and can indulge in together. It's hard to get a guy to go to a chick flick. While that might be your idea of fun, to him, it would be more akin to a seizure than actually seizing the day! LOL! Share in an experience that both of you want to experience together.

Consider his concerns. Maybe he thinks that seizing the day is too time-consuming or expensive. Show him how to seize a few hours instead of a whole day or how to seize the day on a budget.

But. ...

If he doesn't join you, that doesn't mean that you should give up on seizing the day for yourself. Don't let someone else's sour attitude sour yours. Find some ways to seize the day on your own or with other friends or family. Of course we want to experience the best things in life with our partners, but just because they aren't on board doesn't mean you need to jump ship. Your happiness and your peace of mind (and even your health) are at stake and you shouldn't sacrifice those for anyone.

Keys to Happiness: Realistic Expectations

Forget your troubles come on get happy! For this six week series, we'll discover some of the keys to happiness!

Several years after I had graduated from college, I was part of a career fair where I discussed a career in radio. When I asked the teens what kind of radio career they wanted, many had the same answer. They wanted to dee jay at a top station in New York.

When I pressed them further, I found their career plans to be rather straight-forward. Attend college. Work at the college radio station. Graduate. Move to New York City and be the morning drive deejay at a popular radio station.

Truthfully, I told them they'd have to work up to working in New York - the number one radio market in the country. Truthfully, they'd have to start in smaller markets, gain experience and hone their crafts before making it to The Big Time.

Some were discouraged, thinking that all that work sounded hard and not much fun. Others were determined they'd be the exception.

My intent was not to discourage, dissuade or detour anyone but to create realistic expectations. Realistic expectations are an antidote to frustration. Truthfully, most success takes time and realistic expectations allow you to buckle down for a long ride.

They also give you milestones you can get excited about. These smaller, more achievable goals make happiness and excitement possible. Happiness comes in savoring the steps and small victories on the pathway to success.

Whether your goal is losing weight, saving money, going back to school, getting married, going on the trip of a lifetime, or dominating the airwaves in the Big Apple, the first key to your success and happiness around that subject is to set realistic expectations.

Ask any overnight success and he'll tell you that success happened over many nights!

Keys to Happiness: Seize the Day!

Forget your troubles come on get happy! For this six week series, we'll discover some of the keys to happiness!

Every day is a new day. It's an opportunity to learn something new, see something you have never seen or do something you've never done. You aren't promised another one, so treat every day as if it's your last.

Of course, every day won't be a completely life-altering event, but every day can move you closer to your goals, bring you closer to your loved ones or teach you something new. Opportunity abounds, we just have to take advantage of it.

What are you doing with your day? If your days all blend together in a haze of monotony, it's time for a change. At first it will be hard to battle the inertia, but once you get started, it will get easier.

Make a little time every day to talk to your kids and your partner. Have a real conversation - that means you talk and you listen. And "Nothing" isn't an acceptable answer to what you did today. If your days aren't that exciting, talk about something else: a television show, an upcoming event, a family issue, or current events. Make time to learn about one another, and when possible, laugh a little together.

Are you making daily progress towards your goals? If you want to write the Great American Novel, do something today that moves you closer to that goal. Write a page or two. Research your topic. Start looking into publishers. Just do something!

Are you creating memories? Again, everyday won't be memorable, but you'll be surprised at what people (especially kids) remember. I had a long talk with my dad a while ago. He apologized for working so much when I was a kid and not spending enough time with me.

The funny thing was I didn't remember it that way. I told him about the time he crawled under the kitchen table to get me when I was scared of a bad thunderstorm. I told him story after story about our summer trips to Georgia. I told him about watching he and my mom hand dance and how he would grab me and tried to teach me how to do it. Those were things he had forgotten, but they meant the world to me. You never know when memories are being created.

Today is your day. Savor it. Enjoy it. Make the most of it.

Keys to Happiness: Finding the Humor

Forget your troubles come on get happy! For this six week series, we'll discover some of the keys to happiness!

I'm a big proponent of humor. Of course, there are times to be serious, but there are just as many times when a light approach - with yourself and others - goes a long way.

There is good humor (not the ice cream!) and not-so-good humor. Good humor seeks to find common bonds and it never hurts. The other humor is offensive and often painful. Humor at the expense of others is not what I'm talking about.

I enjoy a good sit-com, a funny movie or a well-told joke but it goes beyond that. Out of college, I worked for a temp agency and had a lot of ridiculous jobs. It was frustrating, but I also knew it was funny. One job stuck out in particular. Here I was a very recent college grad, working as Santa's Helper, complete with elf hat and shoes (with bells on them!). Every morning I looked in the mirror, I had to laugh.

Meanwhile, I kept looking for work; the Santa's Helper gig paid my bills in the meantime. I knew one day, I would look back and laugh (even harder than I did at the time) at the whole experience. The experience was a memorable one and as I look back on it, the frustration has faded, but the funny remains!

We had an ice storm a few months ago and as a dog owner, I have to go outside no matter what. So Marty and I ventured out that cold and icy morning. I had to laugh as I watched him try to keep from slipping as he tried to 'do his business.' Of course, moments later, the joke was on me, as I started slipping and sliding on the ice. I laughed out loud and I'm sure my neighbors thought I was crazy, but that's okay. I'm sure if Marty could laugh, he's have been right there laughing with me (or at least at me).

My point is that every day, there are opportunities for laughter, especially if you have kids. Start seeking those out. The great part about it is the more you seek out humor, the easier it is it find.

Keys to Happiness: The Attitude of Gratitude

Forget your troubles come on get happy! For this six week series, we'll discover some of the keys to happiness!

Happiness grows out of a grateful heart. Think of happiness as a beautiful plant. If you want that plant to grow and thrive, would you place it in rich soil or a pot full of sand? Better yet, would you plant it in a bed of rocks. Would you water it with water or Coke?

If you chose to plant your seeds in a bed of rocks and water it faithfully with Coke, would you be surprised when your plant didn't grow?

Often times we plant the seed for happiness in a bed of negativity and we water it with our complaints, disappointments and frustrations. We wonder why we aren't happier or why things aren't working out as we would like them to when the truth of the matter is that our happiness never had a chance.

In order for that seed to thrive, we need to plant it in the rich soil of gratitude. It starts by being thankful for what we have right now. When I look around, I don't have everything I want ... yet ... but I do have a wonderful friends and family, a job I like, a home I love, a car I enjoy driving and, let's not forget, I'm the proud owner of Marty, America's Favorite Pooch.

I could make an equally long list of all the things I'd like to have, be and do but what would be the point? Focusing on the lack and limitation in my life will just bring more lack and limitation in the long run and more frustration and unhappiness in the short run.

Happiness is a choice and I choose to focus on what is going right more than I focus on what's going wrong.

Get into the habit of being grateful. Buy a small notebook and challenge yourself everyday to come up with at least 20 things you are grateful for. It should include big things like family and friends but it should also include a lot of things you might normally overlook: a beautiful sunrise, the ability to see a beautiful sunrise, a tasty grilled chicken salad you had for lunch, light traffic on your way to work, music, ... There are tons of things to be grateful for.

Take a few minutes each day to work on developing an attitude of gratitude. You won't be sorry!