Yesterday is a Memory

A therapist once told me that depression is rooted in the past: regrets, guilt and not being able to deal with things that happened in the past. Those events grab us and refuse to let go, influencing and often ruining or self-esteem, our relationships and our general outlook and response to life.

Breaking the chains that shackle us to past events is critical to being able to move forward. I wish it was as easy as “just letting go” but often it isn’t. Sometimes we need the help of a professional … and there is nothing wrong with that. As a black woman, I come from a culture that often equates therapy with weakness when in fact nothing can be further from the truth. Therapy can be the strongest, bravest things you can do for yourself.

Other times, you don’t need a therapist, you need to change your way of thinking. Sometimes it comes over time, other times it takes hard work. My mom died when I was 15. The last time I saw her I left in anger. I lived with the guilt of that for years. It took me becoming an adult to realize that she probably realized that I was 15. My behavior was an episode of teenage psychosis and she knew that. She still knew that I loved her. It took time to come to that realization, but once I had it, I was able to let go.

On the other hand, after a bad experience dating a pathological liar, cheater and conman, it would have been easy to paint all men with that dark and evil brush. So, I got to work. I tried to find the lessons in that whole sorry experience. Most importantly, I realized that he was one man and was not a representative of all men. Ironically, the next man I met was the same age, height and from the same city as the conman. Yet, I judged this new man on his own merits and not on the behavior of the one that came before him. Gratefully, he is nothing like the other guy and would not have deserved to pay for the other guy’s actions.

Letting go of the past is critical to being able to live today, which is the goal. We cannot do anything about yesterday. All we can do is learn from it, make amends for it and move beyond it.

44 and No More

Heavy D died today. He was one of the rappers that helped color my college years. When I read that he had been found dead in his Beverly Hills home, it struck me. It struck me because one of my favorite rappers from back in the day had passed. And, it struck me because, at 44, he was just one year older than me.

We are all guaranteed one thing. Just as we came in this world, we will leave it. Wealthy or poor, good, bad or indifferent, we will all die. However, as much as we love and cling to life, none of us want to face our mortality. It’s the ultimate elephant in the room. Seeing someone your own age brings it home in a way that is all too real.

I remember when my mom died; it was another jarring jolt of mortality. She was 44 too. The interesting thing is none of my friends wanted to talk to me about it. For one, they didn’t know what to say (and there really wasn't anything they could have said). Secondly, I realized that talking about my mother’s passing made them think about their own mother’s mortality, and no teenager wants to confront that inevitability.

But I have learned to take comfort in one truth. Each day is precious and should not be taken lightly or for granted. Every day I try to do three things: laugh, love and savor.

Whether I’m laughing at myself, my dog, a funny story or a sit-com, I find most things go better with a little levity. Laughter helps me to keep things in perspective and from taking myself too seriously.

I try to show love every day, if not directly through words, through my actions. Calling my dad, listening to a friend vent or helping another friend with car trouble, these are the things that show the people in my life that they are loved and appreciated by me.

Savoring is essential. Most mornings or nights when I walk Marty, I have the opportunity to gaze at a star-filled sky or see a sunrise. I might revel in a favorite dessert or a good glass of wine. While I was on vacation a few months ago, I walked leisurely on the beach enjoying the sand between my toes and the waves splashing against my legs.

Mortality for me doesn’t mean dreading death, it means cherishing life all that much more. I don’t know how long I’ll be here but I plan on making the most of it while I am.

What You Can't See

We might not all be from Missouri but we do live in a state called, "Show me." We believe in the physical, the literal. We have to see it, touch it, and smell it before we believe it.

Imagination, visualization and to an extent, even dreams, have taken a backseat in our practical and factual society. Heck, they might not even have a backseat; they might as well be pushed to a corner in an overcrowded trunk!

When it comes to our desires, our ambitions and even our dreams, we focus on the physical or tangible component. We can see and touch the one we love. We recognize the promotion because it comes with a new title, a bigger office and a larger number on the paycheck. We know we have arrived by the ZIP code we live in or the car in the driveway.

Yet, there is an undeniable power in seeing the unseen. All creation begins with a thought and thoughts are born in that realm of the intangible. We might not be able to touch them but they are just as real as what we can hold in our hands.

A person with a serious illness who can visualize themselves as healthy increases their chances of recovering. Athletes picture themselves winning the game or crossing the finish line. A dieter who can see themselves thinner and healthier has a better chance of losing the weight. Seeing success, visualizing the possibility is the first step into making it a reality.

It is not silly to visualize or spend a few minutes seeing your future. In fact, it’s a big part of your success. Every day spend a few minutes seeing yourself achieving your goals. It makes a difference. It keeps your motivation high and your goals at the forefront of your mind.

You don’t need a vision board or any intricate process or procedure. Just close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and see your success.

Once you can see it, then you can believe it, and then your success is right around the corner.

Flying By

It seems like this year has flown by. We are in the first few steps of the march towards the end of the year. It happens so fast, which is why it’s important to slow down and savor life right now. We won’t have that chance again.

I have a friend who is a true workaholic. She wears her 16 hour days like a badge of honor. In her estimation, it’s a good thing that her boyfriend broke up with her because he couldn’t handle her schedule. It’s a good thing that she catches every bug that comes around and works through it (she’s a trooper!) … it means she’s working hard. It’s a good thing that she doesn’t have time to rest or eat right. Health can wait.

I often wonder what she’s working for. What is the end game? I’m not saying that work isn’t important and that we shouldn’t give it 100% but I do think that we have to have a little bit of perspective about it. It’s been said that no one on their death bed ever wished they’d spent more time at work.

Life, like a year, goes by quickly, and before we know it, we’ve got more years behind us than ahead of us. In what seems like a blink of an eye, the kids go from diapers to school to college. Time truly waits for no one.

So use your vacation time. Enjoy some time with family. Work a little fun or relaxation into your schedule. Don’t put off every date night or plan to visit the parents at some nebulous time in the future.

Investing a little time today can save a lifetime of regrets tomorrow.

Halloween!

A lot of kids love Halloween. They love the candy but some of them actually love being scared. As adults, looking at and living life, fear becomes ... well, something to fear. We have legitimate fears borne out of concerns and consequences, but sometimes we take it too far.


It makes sense to fear a dark alley in a bad neighborhood late at night. It makes sense to fear the repercussions of your boss when you find out the work you submitted was not the work he was looking for. Of course, it makes sense to fear for your kids and their well-being.


Yet, when we fear what others think, when we fear what might happen when the happening in question is way out of the realm of possibility, when we fear what we don't know just because we don't know it, we need to adopt a more fearless, dare I say, child-like approach.


In my early 20's I moved across the country to a city I'd never visited before. In a month, I managed to find work and an apartment. Over the next few months, I managed to make a few friends. About 6 months in, I was miserable. I hated it there. The job I took was supposed to be temporary until I found something else, but I wasn't finding anything. I wasn't close to any family, I wasn't making enough to afford a trip home, and my two new friends were planning moves back East. So after 9 months, I moved back.


Shortly after my arrival, an uncle told me that he and the rest of the family were disappointed because I didn't try hard enough. I asked him how long I would have had to stay there miserable before he would have felt better? I looked my fear of the unknown directly in the eye and stared him down. I had no regrets and I wasn't going to let his regrets hold me back.


I know people who avoid relationships, stay in relationships, and who refuse to even look for a job when there current job is making them miserable, because they fear what the unknown will look like. In there eyes, a little unhappiness beats the fear of stepping into the unknown.


Fear doesn't have to be enjoyed or reveled in, but it does need to be kept in perspective. Courage isn't moving forward with the lack of fear, it's moving forward in spite of it.

Take a Technology Fast

Cell phones, email, text messaging, status updates, tweeting, for many of us, from the moment we awake until we go to sleep, we are ‘connected’. On an episode of Dr. Phil, one woman was so addicted to texting that she stopped in the middle of intimate relations with her husband to read and respond to a text. Don’t even get me started on all of the near-miss accidents I have had because someone couldn’t be bothered to look away from the phone and actually watch the road! It’s getting to be a little much.

These technological wonders have become a part of our lives, mostly for the better, but still, our dependence is a little bit scary. So many churches and other organizations have started what they call technology fasts. The most practical ones for me are evening fasts. If you need emails and cell phones for work or to track the kids down, that’s one thing.

Yet the idea of an evening fast intrigued me. An evening fast starts when you get home from work, and ends the next morning. For those hours, there is no:

• Television
• Internet
• Phone usage (land line or cell)
• Texting
• Video Games
• GPS Systems

For an evening, you are technologically free. You can read. You can meditate. You can talk to your family members. You can take a walk. You can play with the kids. You can write in a journal. You can paint, sing, draw … but you can’t utilize technology.

Of course this does take some planning. You won’t want to do it when you have a project due or a test scheduled for the next day, but you do want to find some time to do it.

I did it for several days during a recent vacation. I found it to be liberating and calming. Perfect for a vacation! Yet, I decided to do it one evening a week when I returned home – that has proved a little more challenging.

Try it just for one evening and let me know how it goes.

Get It Together Girl!: It's About Time!

Boy have I been busy!

The second workbook in my Get It Together Girl series is now available on Amazon Kindle! The paperback will be available next month. Get It Together Girl!: It’s about Time: Finding It, Saving It and Making the Most of It is filled with time-saving tips that can help you tame the time monster.

It’s about Time was inspired by a conversation I’d had with a frazzled blogger regarding my first Get It Together workbook. She boasted that she didn’t have 15 minutes a day or even five minutes for that matter. The conversation stuck with me for a while and eventually, Get It Together Girl!: It’s about Time was born. Over a two-week period, I give daily tips on saving time. In the Extra Stuff appendix, I offer additional tips as well as websites and phone apps that can be helpful in saving time and being more efficient.

The GITG series is designed to help women (and men too) lose the excuses that stand between them, their dreams and the lives they want to lead. I’ve learned it is the little things that often stand in the way. If they were only more organized, had more time, access to more money or clearer goals, they could do more. So each Get It Together Girl workbook tackles one of these excuses in a way that is easy to read and just as simple to put into practice.

With the Get It Together Girl concept, I want readers to do more and read less. The workbooks are short, quick (and hopefully fun). And, when I say workbooks, I do mean work books. The idea is to work them and put the concepts in action .. not just read about them and mull them over.

My first workbook Get It Together Girl!: A 28-Day Guide to Practical NOT Perfect Home Organization is still available via Kindle and, as of this weekend, also available through Amazon in paperback. It focuses on home organization because a home that runs more smoothly saves time and reduces stress. Each weekday for four weeks, readers are given a 15 minute assignments to help them reduce clutter, increase organization and establish some realistic routines.

More Get It Together Girl workbooks are forthcoming. Hopefully, by year end, book three will be available. Just in time for the New Year, this one focuses on goal-setting. All of the books are affordable. If you have a Kindle, you can get both books electronically for $1.99. They are also available in paperback for just $6.99.

So, if you need to get yourself together, here’s your chance!