When YOU Know Best

When I was volunteering for a job readiness program, one of the things I really enjoyed was reviewing resumes. However, I could always tell who had relied blindly on the spelling and grammar checkers. I could tell because I would come across sentences that made absolutely no sense. The job seeker often knew the sentence wasn't correct, their defense was that they just went with the grammar checker.

The assumption was that the grammar checker knew better than they did. Who were they to question something that the computer said. The computer is always right, right? Well, no. The spell check is good if you are close to the word you are trying to spell. However, with a language as complicated as English, the grammar checker is only correct a fraction of the time.

It is interesting that people will often abdicate their common sense, smarts and instincts because something or someone has more credibility. We lose the ability to question. We assume that we don't know enough and rely on the advice of the 'expert', whether it is a software program or a professional.

I remember when I purchased my house. I had a sizable amount in savings. However, I knew that the money was already earmarked for a specific purpose. The mortgage lender pre-approved me for a lot more than I could afford. Sure, I had shared with them some of my larger expenses, but I knew what I had day-to-day. Had I purchased a home for what I'd been approved for, I would have been in foreclosure within six months. Despite what I was told, I knew I couldn't afford that much house.

A close relative almost started a painful and expensive round of treatments based on what her doctor had told her. Luckily, her daughter got her to seek a second and then a third opinion. It turns out that what the first doctor proposed wasn't necessary. If she hadn't questioned that first diagnosis, she'd be going down a painful and costly path that was completely unnecessary.

Whether it is a software program, a doctor, a financial professional or someone else with an air of authority, we have to have the courage to ask questions and seek the information that we need. Real professionals expect us to have questions and would not be offended by a second opinion.

At the end of the day, we are the ones that have to live with our decisions, so we need to make them with all of the information at our disposal.

Watch What You Say

Your words color your current world and they even predict your future. Since they have that kind of power, it would make sense that we be very careful with the words we choose to describe ourselves and our situations.

Avoid Hyperbole

Hyperbolic language is extreme language. A rainy day becomes a raging storm. A cold become pneumonia. Don’t go overboard in describing your situation. If it really is that bad, by all means, say so. But if it isn’t, don’t go there. A cold is a cold and rain is just rain. Don’t use your words to build up your situation and make it more than what it is.

Making a bad situation worse is a great way to gain sympathy but it is a lousy way to improve a bad situation.

Be Specific

Vague words and sweeping generalizations can make a bad situation worse. You can say “My boss absolutely hated my presentation.” That could be true, but don’t use that sentence if is better conveyed as “My boss liked the presentation but she hated the figures I used to prove my point, she really questioned the numbers.”

Vague and unspecific language can create a paralyzing sense of overwhelm.  Productivity and positivity never arise from overwhelm.

Create Your Reality

Your words matter. If you feel you will never be promoted, you probably won’t be. In fact, if that is your belief and what you are speaking over your life, then your work will probably suffer as well as your attitude.  Believing you will be promoted doesn’t mean you will be promoted, but it does mean you will be more focused, more productive and more positive and that can open doors you may have not considered.

Your words have created a self-fulfilling prophecy. Be careful about what you say. It does matter.

The Praise Sandwich

Coins have both heads and tails. If you flip them long enough, you will find that the odds of getting heads or tails is pretty even – one shows up as often as the other. Praise and criticism are also two sides of the same coin. However, if you look at how often praise is delivered and how often criticism is delivered, could you honestly say that both sides end up equal, or is your flipping a little lopsided?

This is my blog and I’ve already given you all way to much information about me. But here comes some more! My family has always had a tendency to find criticism helpful and too much praise to be coddling. For instance, if I show them my Get It Together Girl workbook or send them a link to my blog, their first comment will be something about a typo or other mistake they’ve found. I can remember bringing home a test where I got 49/50. My mom’s first question was, “What did you miss?”

Sure, eventually, they’ll get around to saying something positive, but it’s almost certain that the first words they utter will not be.

I don’t say this as an indictment of my family because I know why they do it. Criticism, from their perspective, is what I need to perform better. Criticism lets me know where I need to improve. They are coming from a place of love and I recognize that. However, I also recognize that we need praise in equal measure.

Criticism lets me know where and how I need to improve. Praise lets me know what I’m doing right and what my strengths are. We all need both, and like the coin, we need them in more equal measures.

I don’t think my family is alone in singing the praises of criticism. I think a lot of us focus on what can be done better or differently. Criticism can be a motivator but only when it is paired with praise. A discussion of weaknesses is not complete without a discussion of strengths.

Without praise, all someone hears is what they are doing wrong and if that is all someone hears then the question becomes, “What’s the point of doing anything?” or “Why bother?”

So here are some final thoughts.

• When giving praise and criticism, start with praise first.
• Be as specific about praise as you are about criticism.
• Don’t use the word ‘but’ to start off the criticism, because that word negates everything that comes before it.
• If you can, end by offering a solution or a little more praise.

NOT: “I noticed you were a bit flat going into the chorus but I enjoyed your performance (vague praise and coming after the BUT the praise sounds like an afterthought).”

BETTER: “I loved the tone of your voice and that song really emphasized your range (specific praise, given first). I did notice a little flatness going into the chorus (specific criticism). I’m sure that is something you can easily work on with your vocal coach (solution).

If you are going to be quick to criticize, be prepared to praise!

Favorite Quotes

I love quotes. I have a large collection of them. My training materials and presentations are peppered with them. I feature a quote at the end of my monthly newsletter. I have a white board at my desk where I feature a new quote every week. Heck, I have a white board at home in my office that I use for quotes.

Here are a few of my favorites

"My will shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man’s doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me, or I can be lost in a maze. My choice, my responsibility, win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."
~ Elaine Maxwell

"Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can anyone deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It's beyond me."
~ Zora Neale Hurston

"The Roots of Violence: Wealth without work, Pleasure without conscience, Knowledge without character, Commerce without morality, Science without humanity, Worship without sacrifice, Politics without principles."
~ Gandhi

"Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels."
~ Faith Whittlesey

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."
~ Sam Ewing

"Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong."
~ Ella Fitzgerald

"I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present. That's were the fun is.”
~ Donald Trump

"Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgment of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're going to do about it."
~ Kathleen Casey Theisen

"Happiness is not easily won; it is hard to find it in ourselves, and impossible to find it elsewhere."
~ Nicolas Chamfort

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
~ Rita Mae Brown

Word Power: Always and Never

Although they are opposites, these two words form a powerful dynamic duo. They are actually two sides of the same extreme coin. Let me make my point.

“I always mess up.”
“I never get a lucky break.”
“I’ll never make what I’m worth.”
“I am always broke.”

There is nothing like a big dose of always and never to take a bad situation and make it worse. If you look a little closer at all of those statements, you will see that they are not true. There are times when you didn’t mess up. While you might not have won the lottery, you have gotten a lucky break or two if you really think about it. Unless you have a great psychic friend or an amazing crystal ball, you can’t look into the future to determine how much you will make in the future. Finally, there has been a time or two that you were flat broke (and if you have ever splurged on an outfit, a dinner or a movie, the cash came from somewhere).

Chronic use of always and never is often associated with something called catastrophizing. It’s when we take a bad situation and take it to its most extreme (and often ridiculous) conclusion. The boss didn’t like your presentation which means she must not like you. If she doesn’t like you, she’s going to find a reason to fire you. If you get fired, you won’t’ be able to get unemployment which will send your finances into a tailspin. Your spouse can’t support you by himself. You will lose the house. The stress will ruin your marriage. Now you are divorced with no home and have been forced to move, with the kids, back in with your parents. And all because your boss wasn’t crazy about your presentation!

Catastrophizing is like a snowball rolling down a hill, it starts off small but keeps getting bigger and bigger. It’s easy to see how always and never can figure into that kind of self-talk. “My boss is always criticizing me. She never has anything good to say to me,” you grumble to yourself. “Hubby is never going to make the kind of money he needs to make. We are always going to be living from paycheck-to-paycheck,” you think as he comes through the front door.

When you hear yourself speaking in the absolutes of always and never, ask yourself a few questions. Challenge your assumptions. “Wait, aren’t there things that I do that are right? Did she really hate the presentation or did she just have some suggestions?”

Don’t give into the power of such absolute words. We don’t live in a black and white world, so we shouldn’t be using such harsh black and white terms.

Word Power: Victim

We talked about addiction and how that word implies that whatever you are addicted to (computer, potato chips, sex, drugs, iPod) has control over you. Being addicted renders you powerless. So does today’s word: victim. When you are a victim, you are at the mercy of the person, group or institution who has wronged you.

Legitimate victims of crime and abuse abound. Victims are not responsible for what has happened. The rape victim isn’t responsible for the rape, the child not responsible for the abuse, the wife isn’t responsible for the spousal abuse and so on. True victims must work hard to reclaim control. They have to rebuild their dignity and their power. They must work hard not to let the horror that has happened become the event that defines them. It’s hard work.

Yet, many of us like to claim victim status because again, it’s an out. It’s nice to not be responsible. You can be a victim of poverty. You might be a victim of racism. You could be a victim of a poor educational system. Nowadays, many feel as if they’ve been victimized by the economy.

There is no power in victimhood. As an rape or abuse survivor will tell you. The power comes in the strength and the power to move beyond victimhood and true victims desperately want to move beyond that.

When I was volunteering for the job readiness program, most were eager to do whatever it took to find gainful employment. They were open to what we had to say about their resumes, their job search plans and their interview skills. They soaked up the information we gave them like sponges.

Yet, there were a few that just didn’t get it. They were the victims. They couldn’t be expected to speak properly because they weren’t fortunate enough to learn that when they were younger. Their cover letters were littered with misspellings and grammatical errors because they were the victims of poor schooling. They had been dealt a bad hand. The deck was stacked against them. They were victims of poverty. They were victims of society.

Yet, sitting right next to them would be a woman who dropped out of high school when she got pregnant and who lived in a shelter with her child. She was getting her GED and keeping her head held high because she was going to succeed. It was a foregone conclusion for her. Failure was not an option. Across the room was a man who had worked for over 25 years when a botched drug test cost him his job. Sure, he was discouraged but he was there every day trying to figure out his next steps.

We’ve all been dealt bad hands at some point. Victims accept that and don’t attempt to go any further. The bad hand is the end game. It’s over for the victim. They aren’t in control of their lives and their destinies. They aren’t wrestling for control, they have given up. Is that you? If it is, then continue using that word.

If that isn’t you, if you are a fighter, if you see a better future and are working toward it, if you are willing to do what it takes to change your situation, then you aren’t a victim. You are a victor. Victory is in your future. It’s your destiny. Look around, you might not be where you want to be yet, but you are on your way.

Don’t let ‘victim’ ever be a way that you define or see yourself. You are in control. Erase that word from your personal dictionary.

Word Power: Dysfunction

In this five-part series, we'll be looking at the power that certain words have to color our realities and change our perceptions. Words matter! Choose them carefully.

Question: What is a functional family? I ask because it seems as if every family is dysfunctional. There are some legitimately dysfunctional families: families with histories of abuse (emotional, sexual, physical), families dealing with addiction, and families dealing with extreme traumas and tragedies. However, I also think that this is one of those words that is overused.

Families are made of people and people are not perfect. Mistakes will be made. There will be bad decisions. There will be a number of regrets and hindsight will make clear all of the things that we could have, would have and should have done differently. But does that make us all dysfunctional?

From the Cleavers to the Cosbys and beyond, we have set some seriously high and absolutely unrealistic definitions of family. How can real life families complete with fictional families whose every problem could be wrapped up in a half hour (or an hour for the occasional ‘very special’ episode).

I choose to believe that mine was a functional family. I was raised by two imperfect people who raised an imperfect daughter and my childhood reflected that. Yet, it was functional. There was more laughter than tears and there was much more that went right than went wrong. Could things have been done differently? Yes. Were mistakes made? Certainly. If I had a family of my own, I would make mistakes, have regrets and wish for a ton of do-overs. However, I think I would still be functional.

If you and your family don't see eye to eye, if you have different opinions about the direction your life should take, if your family is just prone to run-of-the-mill selfishness, shortsightedness and/or awkwardness, but otherwise, you came out of there more or less unscatched, then you have a family. You have a real family, made up of real people with real flaws and not some televised fiction.

The point of this series is to show you the power that words have. I started the paragraph before last with the words, “I choose to believe…” and I did that on purpose. I made a choice. I could look back and focus on the imperfections and mistakes or I could focus on what went well. It’s a choice.

I’m not advocating that we whitewash our own personal histories but to see them in a new context. Don’t ignore the reality but recognize who is in control of the perception and the definition.

Find a way to look at your past that leaves you feeling inspired or content or, at worst, leaves you feeling neutral or at least not caught in a mire of dysfunction and victimhood.