It's All About You

Sometimes it’s about your work, your co-workers or your boss. Often it’s about your family, being a good parent, child or sibling. Other times, it’s about other obligations and relationships – friends, church, social activities. But to paraphrase an old Janet Jackson song, “What have you done for you lately?” If you can’t be good to yourself, it won’t be long before you won’t be good for anyone and anything else either.

Normally, when we talk about self care, the focus is on the physical: eating right, exercising, getting enough rest or it could be about pampering yourself with bubble baths or massages or manicure (all still very physical).

All of those things are important but self care is about so much more. It can be as easy as A-B-C!

Advocacy. You are your own best advocate. Only you know what you want, what you need and what truly matters to you, so speak up! State your needs. Do not assume that people know what you want.

Boundaries. Part of advocating yourself is setting clear boundaries. Most people don’t set boundaries because they are afraid of what others might say, think or do. Hurt feelings normally pass and you will be surprised how many people won’t be hurt by your decisions. If it’s just too hard to say no, counter with an offer that works best for you.

Connection. There are a number of ways to connect and you know kind of connection you need: spiritual, social, familial. Human beings are social beings. We need to connect to others and we need to connect to ourselves (spiritually and emotionally). Connections enrich our lives!

Takin' Care of Business: Loose Lips Sink Ships

This is the sixth in a ten part series called, Takin’ Care of Business – Making Work Work for You.

Let’s be honest. Gossip can be a lot of fun. Talking about who did what to whom and what happened when can really help pass the time, especially on a hum-drum work day. But gossiping can get you in trouble … lots of trouble.

When it comes to idle chitchat, clearly some topics are better than others. Television, movies, and sports, are easy topics. Good news about co-workers and friends is also acceptable conversation.

However, negative comments, rumors and speculation about co-workers is a big no-no. The closer the relation, the more potentially damaging the conversation can be. Basically, if it is someone you can cross in the hall, don’t say it. If it is someone who works for the company but at a different site, it’s still not a good person to make the subject of speculation.

When people around you start talking, it’s best not to say anything. When they ask what you think, a good response is, “I really don’t know what to say about that.” You can also turn it back on them, “You really have some strong feelings about that/him/her,” or “That sounds like a tricky situation.”

Also when trying to stay out of gossip, watch your body language. Your goal is to remain neutral. So watch for things like nodding and smiling which some people could take as agreement. If it gets to be too much, excuse yourself from the group.

Your frustration is also something you need to be careful with. Venting to a friend is a great way to release stress and get things off of your chest. Even still, it’s important to pick to who, where and when you vent. Venting to a chatty co-worker or in ear shot of other employees is a very bad idea.

When I’ve been frustrated at work, I’ve been known to grab my cell phone, go outside and take a break. While I am walking, and away from the building, I phone-a-friend, a friend that doesn’t work with me and I vent to her. This way I get to release the tension without the negative repercussions of having my words come back to bite me.

Remember, once the words are out of your mouth or you hit send on the email, you are no longer in control. You cannot control how your words are interpreted or repeated or where that email goes.

Stealing Your Joy

Things are going well. Work is going fine, maybe you just got promoted. Your relationship is on solid ground. The kids are alright. Life is good. You’re appreciating and enjoying this smooth patch because at some point, things could change. Right now, though, you’re good; but not for long, if some people can help it.

Sadly, there are people who won’t share your happiness. Even worse, there are some people who will actively try to sabotage it. The saying misery loves company is tragically true. They will try to replace certainty with doubt, planting nasty little bugs in your ear: Are you sure he’s working late? They say feigning concern about your marriage.

They grit their teeth when you talk with pride about your child’s latest achievement. The offer you cake and fried chicken when you are losing weight or complain that you are too thin when you reach your goal.

Maybe they don’t talk to you at all. Maybe they talk about you to other people, complaining, nagging, gossiping about you to anyone who will listen.

Trying to change them is useless; so why try? The best way to defend yourself against these killjoys is to maintain a safe distance and create a buffer zone around you by surrounding yourself with those who want to share your joy and not steal it.

The holiday season is upon us and unfortunately, some of these killjoys might also be kin! If you can, still create that buffer zone. Another thing you can do is make it a game. Killjoys love to push your buttons, so when they start pushing, you start smiling. See how many times you can deflect their negative arrows. Heck, it might even be fun.

Boundaries

"Hello. My name is Karyn and I'm a people-pleaser."

Well, I'm a recovering people-pleaser and conflict-avoider. From childhood through most of my 20's, it was really important for everyone to like me. I bit my tongue a lot. I often gave in just to keep the peace. I held on to people that I needed to let go of because being liked and not having tensions and hurt feelings was so important.

But making everyone happy was exhausting. I was stretched too thin and stressed to my limit. That's when I realized that many of the people I was so intent on pleasing were not concerned with pleasing me. While I was busy trying to meet, and even exceed their needs, it wasn't being reciprocated. My needs were not being met. And I didn't even like some of these yahoos!

I finally asked myself : "What if everyone didn't like me?" Would my world fall apart? Would I suffer? Would I be alone and friendless? Would I become a modern-day Eleanor Rigby? What if I said, "No, I can't do that right now?" What if I said, "Sorry. I can't. I have some other things I have to take care of?" How bad could it be?

So I started saying no. I started setting boundaries. I decided what was acceptable for me and what was not. And you know what, it wasn't so bad. It wasn't bad at all. Truth be told, it felt good.

I'm not saying that I just walk around randomly saying no just to say no and to be difficult but if what's being asked of me is too expensive, too time-consuming, too difficult for me to manage or will put too much on my plate then I say no. I don't mind pleasing others as long as I'm pleasing myself as well.

Sure I can loan you $50 if I have it but if all I have until payday is $55, then the answer is no. Sure, I can babysit your kids at the last minute, but not if it involves changing plans I made months ago and am looking forward to.

I also started speaking up for myself. Since I still am not a big fan of conflict, I learned how to do it in a way that was tactful and respectful and not full of hostility and emotion. "No, it is not okay for you to raise your voice at me." "No, I don't appreciate you cancelling out on me at the last minute." Or in the case of my chronically late friends, "I don't like waiting over an hour and a half for you to get ready!" (and if you are reading this blog, you know who you are!)

The best part was that I didn't lose any of the people that I wanted in my life and the ones I did lose needed to get lost anyway.