Closer Together and Further Apart

It’s the 21st century. I use a Blackberry. I have an MP3 player and a gajillion cable channels, so I’d say I’m pretty current with the times. Lately, I’ve even started getting all my news through Google reader. Who needs a paper paper, when I can get my favorite sections of the paper delivered to my PC?

I get the top stories, local news and political sections. It’s really helped me keep abreast of current events. However, I have become practically addicted to reading the comments people leave regarding a story.

It’s fascinating to see how people’s minds work when they are posting anonymously, hidden behind a computer screen and a protective ‘screen name.’ No matter what they topic … crime, the school board, unemployment, even weather, it devolves quickly into political name calling and race-baiting.

A commentator at the paper recently posted a challenge to the usual posters. He asked them to say something nice about the opposition. In other words, he wanted pro-life people to say something nice about the pro-choice side and vice versa. Those on the left could have come up with a comment for the people on the right side of the aisle.

Do you know most couldn’t do it? And some just outright said they wouldn’t do it. I tend to be in the middle of most issues and even when I skew one way or the other, I can’t imagine going so far to one side that I couldn’t see anything at all good on the other side.

I think its easy for people to vilify ‘the other side.’ It’s easy to call them crazy or stupid or misguided if you stop seeing them as people. If you can say something nice about them it humanizes them and makes it harder to spew unadulterated mean-spiritedness and condescension.

I would have hoped a decade ago that the Internet would have helped us connect. Sites like Facebook that reunites friends and family help show us how small the world really is. Yet, the commenters on my local newspaper show us how wide the divide between us truly is and how much further we have to go.

The Backburner

In three weeks (September 22nd to be exact), there will be just 100 days left in 2010. If you set goals for yourself this year, it’s time to get cracking. Labor Day is around the corner that means the unofficial end of summer. Basically, it’s time to get back to work!

If you are like a lot of people, you started with great goals and wonderful intentions, but a little something called life got in your way. You got busy. You got frazzled. You started putting out fires. You spooned even more on your already full plate. In the process, your goals got pushed aside. They got pushed back … all the way back.

And when we don’t see them, it’s like they don’t exist. Yet they do exist, even if it’s just as a nagging feeling that you should be doing something about them, they are there. Goals don’t shout, they whisper quietly and in the loudness of life, it’s easy to drown them out.

So, I want you to go up in your mind’s attic, find those goals and dust them off. Next, I want you to put them in front of you. Put them somewhere where you can see them: in your planner, in your Blackberry, on your iPod, on your refrigerator, place them where you can see them and for the remainder of the year, I want you to review them daily (weekly at the very least) and ask yourself what you can do today (and everyday) to reach that goal?

If you want to lose a few pounds,
Can you fit in a walk today?
Can you pack a healthy lunch or make a good choice when you go out to eat?
Can you make sure you drink your water or eat your veggies?

If you want to save money,
Can you bypass Starbucks and save that five dollars?
Can you take a moment and fill out that direct deposit form, so that money is going directly into your savings?
Can you make sure your checkbook is balanced?

You get the point. Get in the habit of asking yourself, every morning, what can you do during that day that will move you closer to your goals. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, but little things done consistently can lead to big results!

The Upside of Frustration

It’s good to be happy. There is no arguing that point. It’s good to feel contented. We work hard to achieve that state. Contentment isn’t perfection. To me, contentment is a state where you have some stress but not more than you can handle. You aren’t living a problem-free existence but you don’t have problems that completely overwhelm you either. The relationship is moving along. Work is good. The only ‘drama’ in your life comes from the television. Basically, you are in a good place.

Yet we know that there are many times when we are not content. There are areas in our lives where we are unhappy or dissatisfied. Those emotions can lead to a sense of frustration, but frustration isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There is something good to be said about a state of frustration.

Frustration stems from having unfulfilled needs or unresolved issues. Frustration says to us, “You need to do something.” Something could be as simple as having a conversation and expressing yourself. It could mean something bigger … finding a new job or ending a relationship. It could start with owning up to a situation or facing a hard truth.

If you want to move from frustration to eventual contentment, you are going to have to do something … something proactive. What won’t work is doing something reactive. Lashing out in anger or hiding your feelings under a numbing cloak of food, sleep, shopping, drugs or alcohol will just make things worse. Just as bad as doing something reactive is doing nothing. Burying your head in the sand, refusing to acknowledge the reality of your situation or just trying to wish it away won’t work.

To act proactively, you have to do something that a) won’t make you feel worse b) moves you towards a real solution. Having an honest discussion, with a co-worker, boss or partner about your expectations would be proactive. Sitting down with all of your bills and expenses and figuring out exactly how much you owe would be proactive. Logging on to a job search site to see what else is available or brushing up your resume would be proactive.

Feeling frustrated? Take action!

Thank You For Being a Friend

One of my best friends is celebrating her birthday today. In the spirit of her special day, I just wanted to take a moment and talk about the power of friendship.

“You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends.” I’ve been fortunate throughout my life to choose to be friends with some truly extraordinary people. They’re not extraordinary in terms of fame or wealth, but extraordinary where it counts in the depths of their generosity, heart and capacity to love, accept and empathize.

As an adult, I’ve lived in six different states, from Ohio to Iowa, Arizona to Maryland, California to North Carolina. Yet I’ve made truly good friends everywhere I’ve been — friends who see the best in me and want the best for me; friends who will be honest with me without being brutal, friends who celebrate with me when things go right and help me figure it out when they don’t

Friendship is truly a blessing and I have been blessed over and over again. I can only hope that I’ve been as good a friend to my friends as they have been to me.
Happy Birthday T!

Either You Do or You Don't ... Just Don't Make Excuses!

About a year ago, I self-published a book called Get It Together Girl. It’s all about getting organized and getting rid of clutter in just 15 minutes a day. Since then, I’ve become a bit of an expert on quick tips for getting organized. I’ve done speeches on the topic and even being quoted in several magazines.

It never fails, however, after a presentation, there are two types of people who approach me. The first are the ones who are really interested in the subject. We talk about which of my tips will work for them and they even share some of their tips with me. These women are motivated and on occasion, I’ve even received emails from some of them on the success that they have had getting it together.

The other type is curious to me. They come up to me and tell me why none of my tips would ever work for them. They don’t have 5 or 10 minutes to spare in their busy days, not to mention 15 whole minutes. They have small children. They have husbands. If they were single and childless like me (which usually comes across as a backhanded compliment), then they would have all the time in the world too.

These women want me to confirm and validate their decision to do nothing. They want me to let them off the hook. I don’t. I let them see that the decision not to act is still a decision and it’s their decision. Accept it. Live with it; just don’t expect me to condone it.

I normally respond with, “You know that’s funny because before I published the book, I tested it with some very busy women. Executives with toddlers and young children, busy professional women with teenagers to shuttle back and forth and stay-at-home moms with young children and babies and they all found the book very helpful and doable. But, then again, getting organized and saving time isn’t a priority for everyone.”

My point is this. You make the decision to act or not act. It’s easy to find every reason in the world not to do something. A lot of people spend a lot of time justifying their behavior and the truth of the matter is that they just don’t want to change. If it’s important to you, you will make the time. You will find a reason why and not an excuse why not.

If you are looking for excuses, you will find them, but recognize that excuses do not lead to change. It’s easy to find reasons why you can’t exercise or save money. You can always justify your smoking habit or continued decision to make unhealthy food choices. You can find reasons to stay in your unhappy relationship or with a job that no longer meets your needs.

And, if this is you, my advice is to just accept it. Accept your weight. Accept your financial state. Accept your bad relationship or your unfulfilling career.

If you want change, you have to change. Stop excusing and start strategizing.

Favorite Quotes

I love quotes. I have a large collection of them. My training materials and presentations are peppered with them. I feature a quote at the end of my monthly newsletter. I have a white board at my desk where I feature a new quote every week. Heck, I have a white board at home in my office that I use for quotes.

Here are a few of my favorites

"My will shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man’s doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me, or I can be lost in a maze. My choice, my responsibility, win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."
~ Elaine Maxwell

"Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can anyone deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It's beyond me."
~ Zora Neale Hurston

"The Roots of Violence: Wealth without work, Pleasure without conscience, Knowledge without character, Commerce without morality, Science without humanity, Worship without sacrifice, Politics without principles."
~ Gandhi

"Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels."
~ Faith Whittlesey

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."
~ Sam Ewing

"Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong."
~ Ella Fitzgerald

"I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present. That's were the fun is.”
~ Donald Trump

"Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgment of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're going to do about it."
~ Kathleen Casey Theisen

"Happiness is not easily won; it is hard to find it in ourselves, and impossible to find it elsewhere."
~ Nicolas Chamfort

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
~ Rita Mae Brown

Competence and Confidence

A friend of mine recently started a new job. She loves her job and has been working successfully in her field for over a decade. This job is a bit of a challenge although she’s done the work before, she’s never had this particular title.

As a result, she has the competence to do the job, but her confidence isn’t there. As she told me the other day, “I realize with each passing day that I know a lot more than I’ve given myself credit for. I definitely have the skill set and the expertise to do this job. I just wish I had more than just that.”

I said curiously, “What else do you need beside skill set and experience?”

She responded, “I wish I had more formal knowledge, if not a degree at least a certification. Everything I’ve learned, I’ve learned on the job.”

The fact that she’s learned what she’s learned on several jobs, in diverse situations and garnered great reviews and respect from her peers did little to bolster her confidence.

The irony is that her predecessor was the opposite. Apparently, she was all confidence but not much competence. My friend says that everyday she is undoing the work of this woman. Her predecessor had the staff doing time intensive workarounds because she didn’t know how to use the software correctly. She made the people under her subscribe to complex standards and routines that, according to my friend, served no purpose other than to make her look like she had a lot of knowledge.

In fact, even though some of those old methodologies and tactics have been proven wrong, people are still convinced that this woman was a competent, knowledgeable professional – a true testament to how strong her confidence level was.

Luckily, my friend’s confidence is growing with each passing day.

Competence and confidence is a formula for unstoppable success.