I Wish You Well

Over the years, I have been lied to by people I expected to always tell me the truth. I’ve been kind and generous to people who did not deserve either kindness or generosity. I’ve even turned the other cheek on occasions where a good slap could have felt a heck of a lot better. I used to get upset. I used to wonder ”Why me?” Sometimes I still do have those responses, but inevitably, now much sooner than later, I end up feeling the same way. I say to those who have wronged me, either in person or mentally, “I wish you well.”

I don’t wish them well with sarcasm or bitterness. I sincerely wish them well. First of all, holding on to anger hurts me more than it hurts them. I read a quote once that said refusing to forgive is like taking poison and hoping the other person will get sick.

Everything that happens happens for a reason and I truly believe that our mistakes, missteps and the evil people do, teach us lessons ... some a heck of a lot harder to learn  than others. I try to find the lesson. What can I do differently next time? What should I watch out for? What are the warning signs? What shouldn’t I tolerate? What can I start doing right now to make this situation better? Once I have the lesson, I’m prepared to move on. And, I move on with the knowledge that will prevent whatever happened before from happening again.

I am a better person than I was before and I wish them well.

Now wishing someone well and being the vehicle by which they do well are two wildly different things. I wish you well. I wish you get the help you need. I wish you see what the consequences of your actions. I wish you stop hurting yourself and those around you. I wish you get some peace and some happiness.

HOWEVER, I shouldn’t and won’t be responsible for getting someone help, or showing them the consequences of their actions or getting their pain to stop or taking on their happiness and peace of mind as my personal mission.

When I wish someone well, I release them of the power that hate, resentment, bitterness and even fear gives them over me. I send them out of my live without negativity. And, most often, I am sending them out. I don’t have room in my world for people who don’t have my best interest in mind. In the case of toxic family, I might not be able to send them out but I can keep them at a distance. Self-care is about more than bubble baths and manicure; it’s about doing what is best for you physically, emotionally and mentally.

Who Cares!?!

Who cares? I do! And, I hope you do too. The world could use a little more caring. One of my favorite shows is ABC's What Would You Do? They stage a bunch of dramatic situations to see who will stop and help. There have been scenarios where a boyfriend is verbally abusing his girlfriend, or where kids are bullying one another. There have also been scenarios where people at another table are overhearing a serious conversation and the goal is to see who will have the courage to intervene.


The show focuses on those who stop to help but they always mention an almost always greater number of people who don't get involved. Some of these people claim they are too busy. Others say it is not their business. Some didn't even notice what was going on around them. However, all of the people who stop share one common trait: they care and they are concerned.


Of course, in some instances it might be dangerous to stop for a stranger, but I maintain that even if we don't stop for that stranger, we should stop for those in our circle. We have family, friends, and co-workers who could use some of our care and concern. If someone in your circle is suffering, you should at least make an attempt to reach out.


You may be rebuffed. Your offer to help may be ignored; but, make the effort anyway. There are some manipulative people out there who don't deserve your concern. However, as the saying goes, "You don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater" I truly believe there are more good people than bad. Don't let the exploitative personalities shut you off from doing some good for others.


Doing good doesn't have to cost anything more than a little time. An encouraging word, a shoulder to cry on, a person to vent to or just someone who'll listen all count as caring activities. A lot of times, I think we tend to think in terms of grand gestures. If it can't be a big deal, it isn't worth doing. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's often the littlest things that make the biggest difference.


So I'll ask again. Who cares? I do and you should to!

More than Shades of Gray



 I have a very good friend who occasionally infuriates me by his tendency to see everything in black and white. If someone is having a hard time at work, it's "Why not just find another job?" His answer to a friend's difficult marital woes is "Why did she stay this long? Why didn't she just leave?" Everything in his eyes is just that simple and clear-cut.

I wish it were so simple. I see the shades of gray. In fact, I don't just see the shades of gray, I see the colors as well. The beleaguered worker doesn't just find another job because he experiences the red-hot frustration of a sometimes difficult boss and the green glares of envy in the eyes of several coworkers as they play office politics with him. On the other hand, he also has the golden glow of friendship and genuine concern from several other co-workers. He is also tickled pink every day because he truly enjoys the work he gets to do everyday. Getting another job is anything but black and white.

It seems simple enough for the woman in the blue-tinged loneliness of a bad marriage. Yet, what those on the outside never saw were the occasional bright red flashes of love and even passion between her and her jerk-of-a-husband. There were the warm brown moments of familiarity, as comforting as a cup of cocoa on a cold day, that came from knowing someone so long and experiencing so much with them. There was the flush of pink embarrassed cheeks as she imagined sharing what she had endured with condescending friends who "would have known better" if what had happened to her had happened to them. There was the gray-steely resolve she showed for years as she was determined to make her marriage work no matter what. So deciding to leave and getting up the courage to do so was anything but black and white.

Most things in life aren't black and white or even gray. If we truly look at a situation, we will see it flushed with vivid, realistic and emotional color. To discount those colorful experiences is to cheapen and dismiss those experiences.

Helping Hands

Good and decent people believe in helping one another. We do it because we know what it’s like to need a helping hand. We do it because we hope, that if we were in need, someone would help us. We do it because it’s the right thing to do.

Last week, as I rushed from errand to errand, I ran out of gas. Ironically, my next stop was the gas station. As I waited for AAA several people stopped and asked me if I needed help. For many of us, helping is in our nature.

Recently a good friend of mine extended a helping hand to someone and he ended up getting that hand burned. He had made a casual acquaintance of a guy he’d see often at the track. Through their conversations, he learned that this guy, in his early 20’s needed a break. He was living with his girlfriend, who was expecting their child. Due to a few bad choices, he had a hard time finding a job and he really needed one.

My friend, who had been on his job for three years, recommended him for an open position. It wasn’t much but it was steady work. After one week on the job, he’d already been late twice. The second week, he was a no cal, no show. Both my friend and his manager talked to him and tried to impress on him the importance of showing up and being on time. The third week seemed to be better. However, it didn’t last. By week four he was back to his old way. And then, then a cell phone for one of the visiting executives came up missing. All signs pointed to the new guy as the thief. It turned out that he had stolen the phone and he was promptly fired.

My friend is embarrassed and angry. Embarrassed because the guy was hired in large part due to his recommendation and now he looks bad. Angry because this guy took advantage of his trust and made him look bad to his boss. My friend says he’ll think twice before he sticks his neck out again.

And he should … but I do hope that this experience doesn’t turn him off to helping people all together. The lesson here isn’t that sticking your neck out for someone is wrong. The lesson is to get to know the person a little bit better first.

Community is about people working together and I feel that compassion is a vital part of community and a part that is too often missing. I’ve heard it said that all that is necessary for evil to win is for good people to do nothing.

We must be willing to do something.

It’s funny but after AAA showed up, I made a bee line to the gas station. As I was getting out of my car, a woman asked me for $3. She was unemployed and having trouble making ends meet. Her mother had agreed to loan her some money and she was on her way to her mom’s house but she didn’t think she had enough gas to make it there. I smiled and told her I knew what she was going through and I gave her $5. Hopefully, she’ll do the same for someone else.