Dramatic Royalty

For the five Mondays in July, we'll deal with dealing with one type of difficult person.

The King and Queen are on their thrones! Oh brother! Here we go... I am talking about the King and Queen of the kingdom of Drama. When they hold court, confusion, hurt feelings, and negative emotions abound. They will suck you in and will not let you go. You'll be a prisoner in the dungeon of Drama!

I say Drama Kings and Queens because women do not have a monopoly on drama. Many men have a flair for the dramatic too. Dramatic Royalty have a way of making everything about them. You are merely an audience member or a bit player. These people simply aren't happy unless things are emotionally in disarray.

They read into even the most innocent of behaviors and assume some sort of nefarious intent. A friend tried to make a joke when on a shopping excursion The Dramatic One tried on a pair of pants that were too tight. Now, the friend is being hateful towards them and is ultimately jealous of their great relationship (huh?).What started as a snowball (my boss wasn't thrilled with my presentation) turned into an avalanche of emotion (I'm going to lose my job, and then my relationship and finally end up homeless and alone on the street!).

There is always crying or yelling or maybe the silent treatment. They use extreme emotion to get their way and they continue to do it because usually it works. They like the attention and to hold people captive with their pendulum-swinging emotions. Those on the other side of the emotional tsunami want it to stop. We want them to feel better and be okay. We want peace. They count on us to give them the emotional enabling they need.

Three tips for dealing with Dramatic Royalty

1. It's them, it's not you. While they will selfishly try to find a way to blame you for their problems, it's not you, it's them. And, it is not your job to make them feel better and to always be the one to solve their problems. As long as you take ownership for them, they will never take ownership for themselves.
2. Let them go ... but don't go with them. When the tantrums start (and they will) let them go on ... and on ... and on. Don't try to stop them (unless they get physical); but don't give into them either. This is the part where they expect you to cave in to their demands. Don't do it. Do not argue or attempt to reason with them either. Once they get an emotional rise out of you, they have won.
3. Stay calm and stand up. Say no. You are entitled to your time, your money or whatever else they are demanding. You are entitled to being treated with respect and like the adult that you are. You will be called selfish but you aren't the selfish one (see #1). If there is something you can do for them, be clear about what you can and cannot, will and will not do for them. Be willing to walk away. 

Think about their immaturity this way. Kids stop the tantrums when they realize that no one is looking at them. As a kid, I always wanted to throw something when I was angry. I stopped doing that when I realized that I was the one who had to clean up the mess I'd made. When children know what they can't get away with they stop the behavior. Notice however that the immature behavior starts again when they are with someone who tolerates it. Dramatic Royalty works the same way. When you stop the madness, the madness will stop.

Using Your Powers for Good

Children, especially young children, live in a world of imagination. A little girl can imagine herself a princess of a magical fairy tale kingdom. She can also imagine herself chased through a dark forest with a big scary monster hiding behind every tree.


As we grow into adulthood, we put the magical fantasies away and becomes immersed in the real world - a world of characterized by problems and challenges.Yet, imagination is still there working quietly behind the scenes. Since life is often hard and challenging, our imaginations often follow suite. We imagine ourselves stuck in the same unfulfilled job or relationship. We imagine our minor health crisis turning into a major one. We imagine ourselves drowning in debt and a paycheck away from poverty.


We need to begin to harness the power of imagination for good and that starts with trading in negative images for more positive ones. The next time you find yourself in the midst of the negative imagining, try changing it to a more positive one. See yourself happy in a new job or relationship. Picture yourself healthy and happy. Imagine a life with your debt decreasing and your savings increasing.


When you imagine these things, get happy. Motivational speaker and author Anthony Robbins says that feeling intensify your thoughts and helps them stick. So when you think about your success, allow yourself to get excited about it.


Finally, when you take a step in the right direction - sticking to your diet, putting your resume on Careerbuilder or exercising - get excited about taking a step in the right direction. Imagine yourself doing it again and again. Imagine yourself paying off that bill or completing an even more challenging workout. Start imagining yourself succeeding and then you'll truly start to believe in your success. Start believing in your success and you'll begin to act in ways that will make you more successful. Before you know it, you will have turned your dream into a reality.

More than Shades of Gray



 I have a very good friend who occasionally infuriates me by his tendency to see everything in black and white. If someone is having a hard time at work, it's "Why not just find another job?" His answer to a friend's difficult marital woes is "Why did she stay this long? Why didn't she just leave?" Everything in his eyes is just that simple and clear-cut.

I wish it were so simple. I see the shades of gray. In fact, I don't just see the shades of gray, I see the colors as well. The beleaguered worker doesn't just find another job because he experiences the red-hot frustration of a sometimes difficult boss and the green glares of envy in the eyes of several coworkers as they play office politics with him. On the other hand, he also has the golden glow of friendship and genuine concern from several other co-workers. He is also tickled pink every day because he truly enjoys the work he gets to do everyday. Getting another job is anything but black and white.

It seems simple enough for the woman in the blue-tinged loneliness of a bad marriage. Yet, what those on the outside never saw were the occasional bright red flashes of love and even passion between her and her jerk-of-a-husband. There were the warm brown moments of familiarity, as comforting as a cup of cocoa on a cold day, that came from knowing someone so long and experiencing so much with them. There was the flush of pink embarrassed cheeks as she imagined sharing what she had endured with condescending friends who "would have known better" if what had happened to her had happened to them. There was the gray-steely resolve she showed for years as she was determined to make her marriage work no matter what. So deciding to leave and getting up the courage to do so was anything but black and white.

Most things in life aren't black and white or even gray. If we truly look at a situation, we will see it flushed with vivid, realistic and emotional color. To discount those colorful experiences is to cheapen and dismiss those experiences.

Yesterday is a Memory

A therapist once told me that depression is rooted in the past: regrets, guilt and not being able to deal with things that happened in the past. Those events grab us and refuse to let go, influencing and often ruining or self-esteem, our relationships and our general outlook and response to life.

Breaking the chains that shackle us to past events is critical to being able to move forward. I wish it was as easy as “just letting go” but often it isn’t. Sometimes we need the help of a professional … and there is nothing wrong with that. As a black woman, I come from a culture that often equates therapy with weakness when in fact nothing can be further from the truth. Therapy can be the strongest, bravest things you can do for yourself.

Other times, you don’t need a therapist, you need to change your way of thinking. Sometimes it comes over time, other times it takes hard work. My mom died when I was 15. The last time I saw her I left in anger. I lived with the guilt of that for years. It took me becoming an adult to realize that she probably realized that I was 15. My behavior was an episode of teenage psychosis and she knew that. She still knew that I loved her. It took time to come to that realization, but once I had it, I was able to let go.

On the other hand, after a bad experience dating a pathological liar, cheater and conman, it would have been easy to paint all men with that dark and evil brush. So, I got to work. I tried to find the lessons in that whole sorry experience. Most importantly, I realized that he was one man and was not a representative of all men. Ironically, the next man I met was the same age, height and from the same city as the conman. Yet, I judged this new man on his own merits and not on the behavior of the one that came before him. Gratefully, he is nothing like the other guy and would not have deserved to pay for the other guy’s actions.

Letting go of the past is critical to being able to live today, which is the goal. We cannot do anything about yesterday. All we can do is learn from it, make amends for it and move beyond it.

Beam Me Up Scotty!

I remember watching Star Trek as a child. The relationship between Spock and Kirk was an interesting one. As a Vulcan (half Vulcan to be correct), Dr. Spock could be completely logical. His worldview didn’t include emotion or feeling or desire - all of the things that seemed to fuel Captain Kirk.

It’s easy to forget that people are not computers. We are motivated by emotion. Our responses are often based on our feelings. We follow our instincts. We need more than reason and logic to get by.

Recently, I read an article about declining morale in the American workplace. Since the recession began, employees have often been blindsided by layoffs and firings; living on less in the wake of salary freezes and decreases in benefits (or higher benefit prices); grieving the loss of co-workers while absorbing their workloads.

What I found incredible were the comments of a few business owners and managers. They said that these employees should stop whining and be ‘grateful’ that they have a job and a paycheck. That’s the Vulcan response. Logically, a job and a paycheck should be enough.

We all need to recognize our humanity. Employers aren’t hiring robots or Vulcans. They are hiring good old human beings who have good and bad days, likes and dislikes. And it goes beyond the workplace. Kids have tantrums. Adults gripe, sulk or get angry. Spouses, friends and family members disagree and hurt each other’s feelings. None of us are perfect. None of us are cold, calculating machines. Heck, we are who we are and that’s what makes life interesting.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to be cold, calculating and completely logical. I like my quirks, my moods and my emotions. I can be angry, depressed or disappointed but I can also be happy, content and hopeful. You cannot have one without the other and I gladly endure the bad stuff because the good stuff is right there with it.

Hyper Hyperbole

Football players have been very vocal about their feelings in regards to the NFL lockout. They don’t feel they are being treated fairly. Whether that is true or not, is a debate to be had on another blog. What is relevant here is the disturbing trend towards hyperbole or choosing words that over dramatize a situation. Word choice can quickly make a bad situation worse.

In the case of football players, they are quick to equate their situation to slavery. Multi-millionaire athletes comparing themselves to slaves. If that doesn’t sound ridiculous and overblown, I don’t know what is. Slaves did not get paid … at all. Slaves were subject to extreme beatings and worse from their owners. They were helpless and had no control over their fates or their families. It was not uncommon to have families separated with wives and children being sent to different plantations. Slaves didn’t have their pick of women and the ability to live in the best neighborhoods with the biggest houses. They didn’t have agents whose sole purpose was to get them the best deal and the ability to earn even more money through endorsements. Slaves were denied an education. They didn’t receive scholarships.

How often do we do the same thing? How often do we choose words that help make a bad situation worse? We aren’t just sad, we’re devastated. Someone wasn’t just angry with us, they were furious. Using words that make our situations larger than life often helps us gain sympathy and support. It often gives us the attention we crave but at what cost.

If everything is catastrophic, what happens when something actually catastrophic happens? Remember the boy that cried wolf. He cried it so often, when it wasn’t warranted, that when the wolf really was there, no one cared to listen. We also want to be careful with our word choice because we can make ourselves feel worse with the words we choose. Doesn’t ‘devastated’ feel worse than ‘kind of sad’? Isn’t ‘humiliated’ worse than ‘embarrassed’? We want to choose words and feeling that are easier to overcome.

Consider this scenario. On this particular morning you: lose your keys, spill coffee on your new outfit, have a terrible time getting the kids up and moving, get stuck in traffic and after you get to work realize you left your glasses on the nightstand and your cell phone in the kitchen. Yes, this is shaping up to be a bad day. Is your day ruined or off to a rocky start? The words you chose help determine how you view the rest of your day. Ruined implies your whole day is shot. A rocky start implies that it will get better.

Which do you choose?

Why It's Smart to be Optimistic

I liked this so much, I am reposting it from Reader's Digest.

From Reader's Digest December 2010

Expecting good things can make you healthier and might even lengthen your life, says researcher Suzanne Segerstrom, PhD, author of Breaking Murphy’s Law. Segerstrom is coauthor of a recent review of studies on the benefits of a positive attitude—and has experienced them herself. We asked her about optimism’s principles and payoffs.

1) Feeling well helps when you’re not well. "When researchers look at people who have similar medical conditions, they can predict who’s likely to live longer: the one who feels his health is better. There’s something about that feeling of wellness that’s important, even—maybe especially—if you’re ill. Optimism also seems to help buffer you against stress. I’ve been studying first-year law students for 16 years. That’s a very stressed group, but in my most recent study, each time a student’s optimism increased one point on a five-point scale, his immune response to an injected virus or yeast improved by 20 percent.”

2) Optimism is something you do. “Anxiety and other negative emotions are known to be detri-mental to the body, especially to your cardiovascular and immune systems, and having an optimistic nature seems to protect against those effects.

In addition, research shows that people who are optimistic about their future behave differently. They exercise more, are less likely to smoke, and follow a better diet. And if they get sick, they’re more apt to actively participate in their treatment. I’ve seen that myself—I have back pain from arthritis, but I think my willingness to do whatever it takes has helped a lot.”

3) Not happy? Don’t worry. “Happiness is a feeling; optimism is a belief that aspects of your future will turn out well. Happiness can fluctuate a lot, but an optimistic disposition is usually pretty stable. If you’re not optimistic, you can try creating a ‘positive events’ log. Good things happen to everyone, but pessimists often don’t take notice; spending a few minutes every day writing about at least three positive things may help you expect them more often. Or instead of trying to be optimistic, do what optimists do: Work hard to reach your goals. Each accomplishment should make it easier to be hopeful about the next one.”

Depending on which study you read, optimists …

…are 9 percent less likely to develop heart disease.

…are only 77 percent as likely to be rehospitalized after some types of major surgery.

…have blood pressure that’s five points lower, on average.

…live an average of 9.5 years longer.

Why So SAD?

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a condition that attempts to explain why we are more prone to the blahs in the winter. SAD says that the shorter days and the increased number of cloudy days can create a seasonal depression in some of us. If you find that your sad moods decrease as the days get longer and sunnier, there is a chance that you might be affected by seasonal affected disorder.

Whether that is your official diagnosis or not, a lot of us are affected by the winter blahs. It’s mid-February but no matter what the groundhog says we’ve got a good month of winter left before it really starts to get better. It’s still cold. The days are still short, so for many of us, working out outside isn’t possible. And, I don’t know about you, but when I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark, it makes me a lot less likely to want to do anything at all once I get home. We’re humans and not bears, but part of me wants to hibernate in the winter.

So whether you’re officially SAD or just a little blah, here are some things that can keep you upbeat until the sun starts staying up longer.

• Keep in Touch: Connect with friends and family daily or at least on a regular basis. And, make an effort to get out socially once a week (or at least once every two weeks). There is something about spending time in the company of others that is energizing.
• Do Something with Your Time Indoors: You know me, I blog. However, I also enjoy writing in my journal and I love working on my puzzle books. I’m also taking an online course to get to know my camera better. When you keep your mind occupied, you’ll find you don’t give yourself the time to get the blahs.
• Work It Out: I love doing exercise DVDs. The great thing about them is that you can do them at any time and in the comfort of your own home. If that doesn’t appeal to you, if you have a gym membership, try to get yourself to go a couple of times a week. At the very least, walk in place while you watch your favorite shows. Exercise raises your endorphin level which makes you feel good. Plus, if you keep it moving you can avoid the weight gain that often comes with the winter months.

So what will you to make it through the rest of winter without feeling SAD?

Must be the Music

I was driving home from work the other day when an old song came on the radio. Instantly, I was transported back to my sophomore year in college. It was magical. Memories came flooding back and it felt good, really good. I'm pretty sure I put on a good show for people driving next to me in traffic as I sang and danced along with this old friend.

Shakespeare said, "If music be the food of love, play on," but music communicates so much more than love. Music has a power to transport us to another place or time. It can evoke strong emotions. It can anger us. It can empower us. It can draw us further down into despair. It can soothe our weary souls. It can change our moods. It's a force to be reckoned with.

So today, or tomorrow, throw in a favorite CD and revel in the joy that is music.

Come back and share which songs move you the most.

LOL Rx

With aspirin, Tylenol and penicillin out there, it might be a bit of a stretch to say that “laughter is the best medicine.” But a good laugh is good for you.




Laughter has been proven to reduce levels of stressful hormones like cortisol, adrenaline and dopamine; while increasing the feel-good endorphins. It also boosts the production of disease-fighting antibodies and T-cells that can boost your immune system.

Like meditation and deep breathing, laughter is another great way to relax and release some tension. Laughter can also help to dull pain.

How to Laugh More

1. Tune into comedies on TV and in Movies
2. Surround yourself with funny friends
3. Spend some time playing with kids (they always do or say something funny)
4. Do soemthing you enjoy, something that puts a smile on your face
5. Get away for a weekend, a day or even an afternoon
6. Learn to the humor in small mundane frustrations whenever possible
   

People who laugh more tend to be more positive, more optimistic and more fun to be around. Laughter also helps you change your perspective and realize that things aren’t always as bad as they seem. Life is a little more bearable when you laugh.

A dose of laughter might not cure the common cold but it can help cure a bad day.

The Broadcast News Method

In the movie Broadcast News, Holly Hunter plays a frantic television news producer. Every morning, before she starts her day, she takes five minutes to … cry. There is always something to cry about, so she cries, gets it out of the way and gets on with her day. That might sound crazy, but then again, it a crazy way, it makes sense. She took time to express her emotions and get it out of her system instead of bottling it up.

Buried and suppressed emotions eventually bubble up to the surface, often with unexpected and disastrous consequences. Finding a way to manage your emotions (as much as emotions can be managed) makes sense. While making time for tears each morning might not work for you, think of something that will.

How can you productively express your emotions? I'll give you some techniques that work for me.

I vent. When I’m frustrated at work, on the way home, I call a girlfriend of mine and I vent. I get it all off of my chest. The key is I never do it in front of co-workers and I don’t vent to a co-worker. My friend lives out of state.

I make a date with depression. After a particularly jarring setback, I called my dad and my closest friends and told them I would be unreachable over the weekend. I had a date with depression. I sat at home and gave completely into my frustration and discouragement. I cried. I ate ice cream. I watched ridiculous movies on cable. I made a playlist of depressing songs and sang along as I played them over and over. I wrote incessantly in my journal. By Monday morning, I was so tired of being depressed that I was actually ready to move on!

I write letters. Yes, letters, not emails. I write letters with no intention of sending them (it’s way too easy to accidentally send an email). Sometimes, the people I’m angry at or harboring resentment towards are not in the picture and writing them wouldn’t do any good (a recently departed ex-boyfriend for example). Other times, writing lets me get everything off my chest, so when I do confront this person, I will be able to do so without a lot of extra emotion getting in the way.

What are some constructive ways you handle your emotions. I’ve shared mine. Now it’s your turn!

You Can't Take It Back

You can't put toothpaste back in the tube and you can't take back words said in anger. You can try but it just doesn't work.

An angry moment is a seductive moment. It feels good to let those hot words dancing on the tip of your tongue finally jump off. It's amazing when days, weeks, months or even years of pent-up frustration finally explodes. The dizzy, frantic and overwhelming feeling of anger is almost intoxicating.

But that intoxication comes at a price. The anger hangover can't be slept off. It lingers ... sometimes forever. Words said in anger don't go away. In fact, they create a deep and lasting impression and often, "I'm sorry," isn't enough to repair the damage.

There is a role for anger. It can be a very valid expression of emotion but like all emotions it has a time and a place. Anger can light a fire under you. It can motivate you to take action. Anger can ignite your primal response to fight and protect yourself or your family.

Yet too much anger is dangerous and damaging. Unfortunately, those closest to us are often the focus of our anger and it's with them that anger can leave the deepest scars.

The urge to lash out in anger is real and it's strong, but often it's also fleeting. Don't let a fleeting feeling cost you a marriage, a friendship or a career.

Keep the toothpaste in the tube.

Sorry But We Only Take Cash, Checks, Credit and Debit Cards

Jessica had recently lost her job. To say that she and her immediate supervisor didn’t get along would have been an understatement. In fact, on several occasions, Jessica went over her supervisor’s head and took her complaints directly to their manager. Finally, after months of conflict and tension, the two women had a confrontation and Jessica left stormed off the job, mid-shift, in a huff.

The manager called her at home and offered to mediate a meeting between Jessica and her supervisor. As Jessica recounted this story to me, she said proudly that she refused to attend the meeting. She couldn’t stand the supervisor and told her boss’s boss that she would not even sit in the same room as her supervisor much less talk to her.

So, Jessica lost her job.

Here we were, months later, Jessica was still out of work, and she told that story with pride. You can hear the “I showed them” intonation of her voice.

So, I asked her how she felt about what she had done. Of course, she was proud. In Jessica’s mind, it was a victory because she stood her ground. She didn’t let the supervisor or the manager get the best of her.

I followed up with another question. I smiled and asked her how many bills could she pay with that pride? Would they accept it as payment in the grocery store or at the gas station? She was speechless.

Jessica is still riding off the high of the emotional victory. Yet, the reality of her situation tells a different story. She might have ‘showed them’ but they still have jobs. They can still meet their financial obligations. They aren’t out there pounding the pavement in the worst job market that many of us have seen in our lifetimes.

Emotions are powerful and intense and necessary. A life without a mixture of happiness, sadness, passion, laughter and even a little anger or righteous indignation wouldn’t be much of a life. But, we have to learn how to effectively harness the power of our feelings. If we don’t, we can end up jobless and/or alone.

Taking back things said and done during moments of intense emotion is about as difficult as putting toothpaste back in the tube. It isn’t going to work.

Here are a few tips to help you keep your cool, when your emotions start to heat up:

Leave: When possible remove yourself from the situation. Even if you can just spend five minutes in the bathroom or in your car, step away.

Bite Your Tongue: Don’t respond with anger, sarcasm or condescension. The best thing to do is to not say anything until you calm down.

Vent to a Disinterested Party: Vent to someone who has absolutely nothing to do with the situation or the people involved. Venting to family and co-workers just puts the rumor mill into overdrive and increases the chances for hurt feelings, confusion and manipulation.

Let The Feeling Flow

The British are known for having a stiff upper lip. We tell our children not to cry when they are upset. Men are often raised to believe it’s weak to show emotion (outside of anger) or to be vulnerable. The problem is that when we stifle our emotions, they don’t go away. They might allow themselves to be buried for a minute, but they will surface again some other way. Alcoholism, drug abuse, food and shopping addictions, explosive and unexpected outbursts are just some of the ways buried emotions find their way to the surface.

Instead of burying them, we need to accept them and embrace them. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be frustrated. It’s okay to be angry. Whatever you are feeling is okay. All feelings are valid. It’s okay to express them; in fact, it’s the healthy and the strong thing to do. What isn’t okay is taking those feelings out on others. However, a healthy display of emotions, especially negative emotions, is a positive thing to do.

When you have those feelings, let them out. Seek out those who will support you in feeling your feelings. There is no faster way to make yourself feel worse than to be around people who don’t understand you or belittle your display of emotions. Go off by yourself if need be. Find a friend who will just listen. Stay away from those who will tell you that they told you so or mock your feelings. Even stay away from those, at least temporarily, that want to advise you or tell you what to do.

On the other side, when those closest to you need you, be there for them. Allow them to feel their feelings. Be the shoulder they need to lean or cry on. Be the sounding board as they work through their feelings. Model the type of behavior you would like them to show you.

You don’t want to wallow in the negative but if you do need to wallow in the way that you are experiencing. As a coach friend of mine likes to say, “The only way to get through it is to go through it.”