Hedging Your Bets

I was talking to a friend the other day and the topic of marriage came up. She is pretty anti-marriage. Her logic goes like this: since half of marriages end in divorce why get married? Believe it or not, this is not going to be a treatise in praise of marriage (I’ve been single all my life so what would I know). However, it is simply remarkable to me that it is the possibility of failure that makes up her main argument.

The possibility of failure exists everywhere. So what!

Car accidents occur every day but I don’t see that stopping anyone from driving. People lose their jobs through lay-offs or firings every day but most people still chose to go to work and when they are out of work, they look for work. Some children are born with medical or developmental issues and most families have a history of some sort of disease, does that stop people from having kids? No, of course it doesn’t.

The possibility of failure exists; however, most people do a few things to reduce that possibility.

1. They realize that they outcome is greater than the risks. The joys of parenthood outweigh the potential risks of developmental or medical issues. The idea of sharing a life with the one you love becomes more important than being single. The ability to make money, gain benefits, and utilize talents makes employment worth the possibility of a lay-off, or worse, a firing.
2. They take the proper precautions. Drivers get car insurance and wear seat belts. Workers arrive on time and do their jobs correctly. Pregnant women take prenatal vitamins and make regular doctor visits. Those who value marriage invest in pre-marital counseling. People do what they can to lessen the possibility of failure.
3. They weigh options and make decisions accordingly. This doesn’t mean that people don’t make mistakes but they look at the pros and cons and study the facts prior to making a decision. Most people won’t buy a used car with bad brakes and bald tires unless they plan on changing them immediately. It would be a clearly risky move. A man or woman who enjoys dating might decide that this isn’t the best time to settle down with one person.
4. They trust themselves, their guts and their instincts. After assessing the risks, taking precautions and weighing options, they step forward with the confidence that they have made the right decision with the facts at hand. When you trust yourself and your ability to make sound decisions, even if you end up making a mistake, you'll probably have the courage to turn your situation around. That courage doesn't exist in those who are guided by a fear of failure.

My point is this: Never let fear of failure or, fear in general, stop you. Do the best you can to mitigate the negatives and then move ahead or move into another direction. If you try and fail, get up and try something else. Regrets don’t come from taking a chance. Regrets come from deciding not to do anything at all.

Fretting about Tomorrow

The same therapist that explained the connection between the past and depression explained to me that anxiety is future-based. People who suffer from anxiety worry about what would, could and should (or shouldn’t) happen. They approach tomorrow with a sense of dread and fear that seeps into their daily lives. Fear paralyzes them and stops them from taking action. They are simply overwhelmed.

If you ordered a product, you wouldn’t worry about it arriving defective or broken. You expect it to come in good working order. If it does arrive broken or with parts missing, you’ll handle it at that time, Yet, we don’t do that when we worry about tomorrow.

Some of our worries are well-founded. If you mailed off a payment knowing you don’t have the money in the bank to cover it, you’ll probably be worried … and rightly so. If you are cheating on your spouse, you probably should worry about getting caught.

However, many of our worries are unfounded. We make bad situations potentially worse when we speak them with words like always and never. I’ll never have enough money. I always meet the wrong men. I will always be stuck in this situation. Things will never get better.

Talk like that creates a lot of anxiety. We take the power of our imaginations and use it for the negative. We think of all the possible worst-case scenarios. If something has ever happened to us that supports our negative thinking then we will replay that event over and over again and assume that since it happened once before, it will, more than likely happen again.

As I said in the last post, if your anxiety is debilitating and preventing you from moving forward, you might want to consult a therapist. However, if you feel you can handle it, the best antidote for anxiety is planning. Plan for the thing you fear. Do as much as you can today to prevent the negative tomorrow from ever taking place.

As soon as I have a plan in place and begin acting on it, I feel better. I feel more in control. You might not be able to solve the whole problem but the act of doing something is making progress and you climb a mountain one step at a time.

After I’ve done all I can do, I acknowledge that I’ve done all I can do. It might not be perfect. The problem might not be solved but it might be a little better. If it isn’t better, at least I don’t have the regrets that I didn’t do all that I could.

I went through10 months of unemployment. As soon as I lost my job, I called the bank to see what I could do with my mortgage. This touched off a 10 month battle to try and keep my house. Talk about anxiety. Where would I go? How could I find an apartment without a job? Then my imagination kicked in. I would have to return to Cleveland, humiliated, and live with my family… at 41 years old. I’d be depressed. I’d be even fatter and I was convinced that I would have lost all will to go on. I invisioned myself wrapped in a blanket sitting on the sofa in the basement in my pajamas with a hair disheavled, tears in my eyes and a box of Kleenex at my side (what can I say, I have a vivid imagination!).

I did all that I could. I borrowed from family and friends. I tried to save up my meager unemployment money to make a payment. I contacted HUD, all of my congressional representatives, made a complained with the Commission of Banks, used my tax refund money and prayed relentlessly. It was overwhelming. Many, many tears were shed.

Finally, I realized that I had done all I could do and although it wouldn’t make me happy, I was willing to put my house up on a short sale. I hated the thought but I had no regrets because I had done all I could do. As I was heading home to call my agent, I got a call. It was a job offer and it saved my home.

I was fraught with anxiety that entire time but when I was working toward a solution, I felt a little bit better. Doing something, at least for that time, helped.Taking action helped combat my anxiety. If I had to do it again (and I really hope I never have to), I would add talking back to those negative thoughts and using my imagination more proactively instead of letting that negative movie play.

It doesn’t make sense to worry about things that haven’t happened yet; but it takes real actions and hard work to overcome those anxious thoughts and emotions.

Yesterday is a Memory

A therapist once told me that depression is rooted in the past: regrets, guilt and not being able to deal with things that happened in the past. Those events grab us and refuse to let go, influencing and often ruining or self-esteem, our relationships and our general outlook and response to life.

Breaking the chains that shackle us to past events is critical to being able to move forward. I wish it was as easy as “just letting go” but often it isn’t. Sometimes we need the help of a professional … and there is nothing wrong with that. As a black woman, I come from a culture that often equates therapy with weakness when in fact nothing can be further from the truth. Therapy can be the strongest, bravest things you can do for yourself.

Other times, you don’t need a therapist, you need to change your way of thinking. Sometimes it comes over time, other times it takes hard work. My mom died when I was 15. The last time I saw her I left in anger. I lived with the guilt of that for years. It took me becoming an adult to realize that she probably realized that I was 15. My behavior was an episode of teenage psychosis and she knew that. She still knew that I loved her. It took time to come to that realization, but once I had it, I was able to let go.

On the other hand, after a bad experience dating a pathological liar, cheater and conman, it would have been easy to paint all men with that dark and evil brush. So, I got to work. I tried to find the lessons in that whole sorry experience. Most importantly, I realized that he was one man and was not a representative of all men. Ironically, the next man I met was the same age, height and from the same city as the conman. Yet, I judged this new man on his own merits and not on the behavior of the one that came before him. Gratefully, he is nothing like the other guy and would not have deserved to pay for the other guy’s actions.

Letting go of the past is critical to being able to live today, which is the goal. We cannot do anything about yesterday. All we can do is learn from it, make amends for it and move beyond it.

Who Do You Love?

Every Monday in February, we are focusing on some aspect of love. After all, as the song says, Love is a many splendored thing!

I actually have two questions today:

1. Who do you love?
2. Do they know that you love them?

Number one is easy enough. You know who you love. However, it's often the people we love the most who question our feelings or our devotion. Many people would say "Of course So-n-So knows I love them." But, do they really?

When is the last time you came out and told them? When is the last time you did something special for someone you love?

I'm not just asking that question about romantic partners. I'm including: parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, heck, even pets! LOL!

Assuming is a dangerous habit and it's even worse when it interferes with our ability to express our feelings. If your answer to the question, "Do the people you love know you love them?" is "They should know," you're in trouble.

People only know what you tell them and what you show them and even then some people just don't get it. It takes effort on your part. You have to communicate and demonstrate. Show and tell. And the best part is that you don't have to wait for a holiday, birthday, anniversary or special occasion to show your affection.

Do it now and do it often.

U-Turn

You have a plan. You are committed to your plan. You are working your plan. But, something isn’t right. You are getting results, but you aren’t happy with the results you are getting. It isn’t what you expected. In fact, you aren’t even sure this is what you want anymore. You might even know that you don’t want it anymore. What should you do?

Well, a U-Turn might be in order.

From the time I was a little girl, I wanted to be an attorney. On rainy days, I’d play court in the basement. I would set up two TV trays, one representing the defense and the other the prosecution. For the judge, I moved one bar stool behind the bar and placed the ice breaker there so he could pound it and demand “Order in the court.” My teddy bear Curtis played all the witnesses. I would jump from tray to tray, examining and cross examining my ‘witness’ and occasionally I’d jump behind the bar and pound my mallet and make a ruling. What can I say, I was an only child.

When I got to college, I declared journalism as my undergraduate major. I thought the focus on writing and speaking would serve me well when I got to law school. There was one problem. By the time senior year rolled around, I had this nagging feeling that the law wasn’t for me. We had to take a number of law classes in –J-School, because the law plays such a major part in a lot of the news stories we’d be covering and I realized something. I didn’t like it.

I realized that I was in love with the idea of the law. I was in love with what I thought it was. The reality was something different entirely. And I didn’t like that reality.

My path was clear though. I was traveling in one direction. I was looking into law schools and my boyfriend at the time was looking into trying to get his commission somewhere near where I was going to be (based on the law school I chose). My father and my family were looking forward to having a lawyer in the family.

I made a U-Turn … and a pretty big one at that.

I decided not to go to law school. I couldn’t see spending three years and tens of thousands of dollars doing something I knew I didn’t want to do, something my heart was no longer in. I also knew, for a bunch of personal reasons, that I needed to end my relationship … and it really was me and not him. I just wasn’t ready.

My father and family still regret that I’m not a lawyer. I’m sure my ex- doesn’t regret the breakup, as he went on to meet and marry a wonderful woman and they have a great family. Regardless of what anyone else thinks or thought, what they feel or felt, I had to do something for me.

I disappointed everybody; but, I’m okay with that. I couldn’t live my life for them. I had to be true to myself. As the only one living my life, I’m the only one who controls when to put on the brakes, when to speed up and when to make a u-turn.

I’ve made a few more u-turns since then and I’ve taken my share of flack for those decisions but I’d rather chose my own path then have someone chose it for me or stay on the wrong path for fear of what someone else thinks.

When a driver makes a u-turn, it’s because he realizes that he’s going in the wrong direction and no matter how hard he tries, going the wrong way will never get him to his destination. Think about it.

Is It Worth It?

Now I don’t normally comment on current events in my blog but the scandal involving South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford as well as some disturbing statistics I’d heard about infidelity got me thinking. According to one study almost half of married men and a third of married women admit to being unfaithful. So, I have to ask, “Is it really worth it?”

In Governor Sanford’s case, he has lost a lot and the damage that he’s done to his career (and most likely his marriage) is beyond repair. Here is a man who many thought could be the 2012 Republican nominee for president. He’s governor of a state in addition to being a husband and a father.

He disappears for five days leaving the highest office in the state vacant. He lies about his whereabouts, leaves the country and spends five days in Argentina breaking up with his mistress. His marriage is in shambles, his children will be affected, he’s already resigned his position as the head of the South Carolina Republican Party and is no longer a contender in the 2012 presidential race.

So, was it worth it?

Maybe it was. Maybe Sanford didn’t want to be the Republican Party’s golden boy. Maybe he didn’t want to be married. Maybe he didn’t even want to be governor. If he was looking for a way out — a way off the speeding train that was his career — then he got it. And one can argue that it was worth it.

However, if he thought he could juggle a wife, a mistress, running a state, being courted for a run at the presidency and not be adversely affected, then he was wrong. So wrong.

The stakes are unusually high for Sanford, but a lot of people gamble with their lives, their marriages, their children’s lives, their reputations and sometimes even their jobs when they make the series of choices that lead to infidelity. So I ask again, is it worth it?

And it isn’t just infidelity. People gamble every day when they make the series of choices that lead to embezzlement, tax evasion, drunk driving, plagiarism, and the consequences can be very high. Yet, if we take a minute and really consider what will happen after the initial thrill is gone, when you look at the possible outcomes (a lot more negative than positive), is it worth it?

Is the short-term pleasure worth the long-term pain? Is it really worth it?

You Might Have Just Dodged a Bullet

When I graduated from college, with a degree in journalism, I got a job offer for an entry-level job at a major news agency. Full of youthful ignorance and a healthy dose of arrogance, I turned it down.

As a result, I spent the next year and a half trying to get my foot in the door. When I finally did land at a local AM radio station, I was working for next to nothing. It was humbling to say the least.

Almost 20 years later, my family still talk about how great my life would have been if I had only gone to Atlanta. I’d be a major news anchor. I’d be married. I’d have a great family. And basically, my life would have been one long and magical walk in a beautiful park, on a bright sunny day.

Or would it?

Maybe my arrogance saved me from a worse fate than a year of menial jobs. Maybe I saved myself form an abusive relationship or avoided a terrible accident. I don’t know. I’ll never know. And, that’s okay.

We like to look at the path we didn’t take and romanticize it. “If I had taken that job, my life would be so much better!” Or, “If I had married the other guy, I’d be happier.” We might think to ourselves, “If only I had gotten that scholarship…” or “If I had moved to Los Angeles when I had the chance…”

The truth is that we will never know if things would have been better or worse. But painting that unrealistically rosy picture of the path not taken is a recipe for regret and frustration.

If you believe in God, karma or, even fate then you probably believe that things happen for a reason. Every decision I’ve made has lead me to where I am right now and the same for you. To tease yourself with dreams of what might have been or what you could have, should have or would have done is to perform an unnecessary form of mental torture.

Instead of ruminating over the past, look at where are now and figure out what the next step is. Yesterday is gone; but you can still do some with today and impact tomorrow.