Stop Tolerating Your Tolerations

What are you tolerating? In other words, what do you have in your environment that you can change but haven’t. In coaching school, we called these things tolerations. If you wear a size 11 shoe, you might not be happy with that, but there is nothing you can do about your shoe size. This would not be a toleration. However, if you have a lot of shoes you never wear and should be donated, you have a toleration. If you need to buy a good pair of basic black pumps but you’ve put it off, you have toleration.

The problem with tolerations is that they zap your energy. They nag at you. I’ll give you an example. When I pulled into the driveway, I would see the tall shrubs lining one side of my driveway. Every day I would think about how much I needed to trim them. When I would get out of the car, I would think about how much I needed to sweep out the garage. Finally, I’d walk into the house and see the spots over the security system panel that I needed to touch up with paint. These little things nagged at me on a daily basis.

Recently, I decided to take a look at my tolerations. I sat down one Saturday morning and made a list. Before long, I had over 20 tolerations … including the ones I just mentioned. I had nothing planned for the day so I decided to knock out a few. Before the weekend was over, I’d knocked out about 20 of the tolerations on my list! Most were minor, not time-consuming and just needed to be done. So I took some time and did them.

Now, when I pull up in the driveway, I am not besotted with nagging feelings of the things I need to do … they are done! It’s a great feeling.

Tolerations aren’t a new concept. When most people think of the ancient Chinese practice of Feng Shui, they think of moving furniture. However, students of Feng Shui know that the first steps of Feng Shui involve clearing clutter, fixing things that are broken and handling all of those nagging things that are around all of us every day. Students of Feng Shui do this to improve the flow of energy through the house. In other words, they handle their tolerations!

Make your list and begin handling them. You might not have a full day but you can tackle them one at a time. The great thing is that once you start, you’ll feel the difference and have the momentum to keep it going!

The Power of the I AM

I was watching an interview Oprah did with Joel Osteen. He said, "What ever follows I AM will come looking for you." In other words, when we say, "I am tired," we can expect to be tired. If we say "I am never going to find a better job" or "I am never going to have a satisfying relationship," what do you think you'll be bringing into your life.

In the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, the First Agreement is to be Impeccable with your word. Mean everything you say and only say things that you mean.

Here is a video that gives you dozens of positive, affirmative I AM statements.

The Writing's on the Wall

It’s easier some times to stick your head in the sand. And, as the saying goes, “Ignorance is bliss.” Refusing to see the signs that are flashing in front of your face may seem easier in the short run, the long-term consequences of refusing to look at the facts can have devastating consequences.

Often after seeing someone else’s fate, we comfort ourselves by saying, “Whew! That could never happen to me.” However, if you are dealing with the same person who inflicted the pain or caused the situation, know that it could very well happen to you. In fact, it probably will. The chronic cheater will probably cheat on you too. The boss from hell will eventually pull you down to her level. Watch how people treat others and you’ll have a good idea how they will, most likely, treat you.

Other times, we make excuses for people’s behavior. An excuses, even if it’s unplausible or unlikely, is easier to believe than the truth of the matter. A co-worker takes credit for your work and you rationalize that you both worked on it and the lack of acknowledgement is an oversight. But, especially if you can combine that with other underhanded behaviors, there is a good chance that it is exactly what you thought it was.

Then there are times when we see the behavior, acknowledge it and still refuse to act on our knowledge. Inertia is a powerful force to overcome – doing nothing is easier than doing anything else. After all, acting on your knowledge will take a lot of work, rock the boat, upset the status quo or involve stepping on someone else toes.

Reading the writing on the wall provides you with truth and gives you the opportunity to prepare yourself for what’s ahead. In this case, the writing isn’t graffiti to be ignored or cleaned up. It’s a gift. Treat it as one.

Take Control

Any parent who has ever nagged a child about chores and homework has preached about the power of proactivity. Why can’t kids just do what they are supposed to do without being told! If you ask any manager, they’ll often have the same lament when it comes to their employees. Spouses complain about it too. It seems like a lot of us could learn a lesson in proactivity.


Being proactive means you are positive about taking action. Being proactive is about taking the initiative. In the real world, it involves not just knowing what needs to be done but doing it (without a lot of nagging). It involves looking clearly at your circumstances and deciding to take actions that will benefit you in the long run and thinking of the consequences of your actions or inaction before you act.


Procrastination is the enemy of proactivity. When we know what we need to do, yet put off doing it, we are not performing proactively. Often the difference between a person who attains their goals and one who doesn’t is the ability to push through the procrastination and do the things they don’t want to do but need to do. A dieter proactively passes on the burgers and fries and opts for a healthier choice. A writer pushes through the frustration of writer’s block and starts writing again. Proactivity is about seizing the power of now and doing what needs to be done, despite how they might feel about it.


The procrastinator looks for immediate comfort without much concern for long-term gain. Without considering the consequences, they focus on what feels good now. If now isn’t a good time, they think, then certainly later would be better. Sadly later rarely arrives.


Reactivity is the opposite of proactivity. We wait for something to happen and then we act. In many cases, we wait for something negative to happen and then we act. It takes a poor performance write-up to get the employee to take her work more seriously or the failing grade to propel the student to doing their homework. 


The problem with this approach is that although the work eventually gets done, the worker is starting at a deficit. They’ve handicapped themselves. It will be difficult to get a promotion with that bad write-up in your file. Likewise, an A-average will be dragged down by the poor grades in the past.


The other problem with a reactive response is that it is usually emotion-based. The reactive person is energized by those strong feelings, not realizing that they can cause more harm than good. I once knew a woman who reacted angrily to a work incident. She stewed in her righteous indignation all night and when she came back to work the next day, she let her boss have it! Of course, she’s no longer working there. In the heat of her emotions, she was unable to think clearly about the consequences of her actions. Had she thought about the real possibility of losing her job, she probably would have reacted differently.


Positive change begins with positive action. If you want something different or better for yourself, think about what you can do to proactively change your situation. Once you start to take control, you will be surprised at the results.

It's Worth the Effort ... Really It is!

I know a lot of people who avoid exercise like the plague. In fact, they don’t even consider exercising until the doctor tells them that they have to do it. They recoil at the thought of sweating. They look at weights and machines as something akin to torture devises! However, I want to take a little bit of time to taut the virtues of exercise for everyone. Yes, this means you – even if you don’t need to lose weight or have received a doctor’s mandate.

Recently, I was slammed at work and spent about two months coming in very early (6:00 AM) and staying late. Keeping up with my morning workouts was impossible. Now that the crunch is over, I’m getting back to my old routine and I have to say, I missed it.

Exercise is a natural stress reliever and mood enhancer. I noticed when I start my mornings with exercise; I leave for work in a better mood. Throughout the day, I find that even in stressful situations, I’m less tense and don’t experience as much of the physical symptoms that stress creates.

It sounds counterintuitive but exercise actually gives you a nice energy boost. So when you say you don’t have the energy to exercise, the ironic thing is that exercising anyway will give you more of the energy you crave!

When I exercise regularly, I can see a definite difference in my ability to focus and in mental clarity overall. I feel sharper and better able to get my work done.

Exercise doesn’t have to be a painful, stressful or negative experience. The trick is to find things you enjoy to do.

Go for a walk. (put on some good music or walk with a buddy to make it even more fun).

Dance or take a dance class.

Play outside and run around with the kids.

Golf and walk (instead of taking the buggy).

If there is an exercise you actually do enjoy, take a class or join a club. I’m a member of a hiking group. A good friend of mine joined the YMCA so she can have access to their pool.

No matter what you do, do something! It’s definitely worth the effort!

It's a Start...

This blog is dedicated to the people who have done someone else wrong. I’m talking about the people who have lied, cheated, stabbed someone in the back or otherwise used or manipulated someone … and got caught. This blog is dedicated to those people who offered an apology to the other person and were amazed that their words didn’t carry more weight.

Saying “I’m sorry,” is a great start but that is all it is … a start. It’s the start of a long race to rebuild trust, let bruised egos and hurt feeling heal. I’m sorry when said sincerely can carry a lot of weight but look at it this way. The action cut a deep wound in the other person, a wound that will need to be tended to stop the bleeding and prevent infection. A wound that may require bandages and stitches. A wound that even with top-notch care will still take time to heal and even then, will most likely leave a scar.

I’ve heard people who have cheated or stolen from a loved one express frustration that the other person wasn’t magically healed by the sound of an “I’m Sorry”; as if those words were synonymous to Abracadabra or Open Sesame! There is no magic to a verbal apology. As Bette Davis once said, “Buckle your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

The aggrieved person is going to have to go through a healing process that includes: sadness, anger, not to mention doubts and questions. This is to be accepted and understood. Rushing someone through this process won’t speed it up but will actually slow it down.

Instead of being frustrated, try working on your side of things. The apology might have been the beginning of healing for the other person, but for you it’s the beginning of a lot of hard work. You now have to prove that you are worthy of their forgiveness. You’ve talked the talk, now you must walk the walk.

You must be honest.

You must be transparent.

You must be patient.

Most importantly, you must not repeat the past behavior.

A song once said that “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.” However, for the guilty party that hard word is followed by lots of hard work.

The Silent Wheel

Everyone knows that ‘the squeaky wheel gets the grease.’ In other words, the one that complains the loudest or causes the most grief gets the attention and, often, the results. In school, it’s the biggest disciplinary problems that get the special programs; it’s the most disruptive students that get attention in class. In the world of retail, it’s the loudest complainer in the restaurant or store that is immediately catered to. The angry customer is the one who will get the refunds and the extra perks. In the home environment, it is often the most difficult child who receives the most attention.


My question is, what about the wheels that don’t squeak? What about the kids who come to school (sometimes against great odds) who want to learn, who avoid getting in trouble and see  value in education? What about the customer who makes their concerns known without bothering to raise a big stink about it? What happens to the ‘good’ siblings who aren’t always in crisis mode or creating emergency situations? Who really cares for these silent bystanders who seem to be penalized for NOT causing problems?


I think, on a certain level, these people who play by the rules are caught in a thankless trap. On the one hand, the assumption is that since they aren’t complaining that they don’t need help. To take that a step further, they don’t need the encouragement, support or attention that their squeaky counterpart needs.


On the other hand, the other assumption is that these people will take care of themselves. Things will somehow work out for them. They will be okay. They don’t need any extra help or encouragement. 


First of all, everyone needs support and encouragement. When people who play by the rules consistently see all of the attention paid and support given to the rule breakers, the question then becomes, why bother to play by the rules. This is especially true with children and adolescents. What is the benefit for doing the right thing when the wrong thing is rewarded with time, attention, encouragement and support? 


There are countless programs aimed at ‘at-risk’ kids and I’m not saying there isn’t a need for such programs. What I am saying is where are the programs for the C and B students who come to school every day, who pay attention, who do their homework. What lesson are we teaching these kids who want to do the right thing?


I have seen many situations where the siblings who manage to finish school, maintain jobs and start families hardly get any acknowledgement for their efforts; while they watch in helpless frustration, their parents continually run to the aid of the sibling who stays in legal, financial and relationship trouble. Does that sibling need extra help? Certainly, he does. However, those other siblings deserve some time, encouragement and attention as well.


In the most extreme situations, the silent wheel has to start squeaking to finally get the attention they crave. And to me, that is extremely desperate and sad. The silent wheel shouldn’t have to engage in squeaky negative behavior to get some attention.

Shoe Shopping, Life Lessons

Over the weekend, I went shoe shopping. I know that sounds like fun for most women but, I have a confession to make. As much as I love, love, love shopping for clothes (or home wares, or groceries or just about anything), I hate shoe shopping. I really do!

Yet, there I was trying on shoes. I found a cute pair and tried them on. They were a little loose. But, still, they were so cute! Maybe I could get used to them. I mean they weren’t that bad. And, did I mention, they were cute!

But I had to admit that it just wasn’t a good fit. So, I didn’t get them.

I wonder, though, how many things we have in our lives that truly aren’t a good fit. A job, a relationship, friendships? Are we settling for them because they are good enough or because we are afraid we won’t find anything better?

Changing the not-so-good-fit things in our lives starts with a bit of truth. We have to first admit that it isn’t a good fit. It’s too loose or too wide. It’s too small and it hurts. Maybe we’ve had them a while and what was once a great shoe is now wore and ragged.

Maybe you’ve outgrown the job. Maybe the relationship is confining or you’ve realized you can’t make it work. Maybe you are just tired of being sick and tired. Whatever the case, the truth is that it doesn’t fit.

Next, you have to be bold enough to make a change. In my case, I was at the register when I decided not to buy the shoes. As I looked at the shoe box, I saw the size, 8 ½ wide. I’m not a wide. It was the confirmation I needed. I was there, with my credit card ready to be swiped and I said “No thanks.”

You have to be bold enough to gather the requisite information and make your decision. Of course, changing your life isn’t nearly as easy as deciding not to buy a pair of shoes. But you need to start gathering the information you need to confirm your decision.

So I walked out of the store shoeless. I know there will be another pair of shoes with a perfect fit but I don’t have them now. I’m okay with that. In some instances, I could walk right into another store and found the shoes I wanted. In other cases, it will take more time.

When you make a change in your life, it could take some time before you find your perfect fit and you have to be okay with that (the exception is a job, do not leave a job until you have another one!). However, when you do take the leap of faith, make sure your next shoe, job, relationship has a great fit!

Get Inspired

Have you lost your passion for something you used to love? If so, today’s blog post is for you.

I used to love to cook. I’d test recipes or make up my own. I’d love potlucks and special occasions at work when we’d have to bring in a dish. I had a great time for a few years hosting Thanksgiving dinners.

Yet over the years, cooking became more function than fun. It was something I had to do and wanted to get through as soon as possible. Meals became very rote and very basics. The passion I’d once felt was gone.

It took a cranky British chef to bring it back for me. I’m a huge fan of Hell’s Kitchen. Actually, I’m a huge fan of Gordon Ramsay. I watch Hell’s Kitchen. I followed him on Friday nights to Kitchen Nightmares and when he started Master Chef, I was in.

Unlike Hell’s Kitchen that focuses on actual culinary professionals or Kitchen Nightmares, with its real restaurants, Master Chef was about real people who just had a passion for cooking and baking good food.  Among the contestants were lawyers, servers, travel writers and marketing pros. These were people who still had the passion.

Their passion was infectious and when Christmas time came around this past year, I decided that I wanted to give myself a nice gift. After a lot of thought, I decided to get new cookware, and not just any cookware but the good stuff.

When my cookware finally arrived, I was ecstatic. That same night I started cooking. Now, I am looking forward to cooking in a way I haven’t in years. The investment was worth it because it reignited my desire to cook and once that passion was reignited, I realized exactly how much I had truly missed it. It was like reconnecting with an old friend.

So, if you have lost your passion, what can you do to reignite it? Believe me. It’s worth the effort.

Great Expectations

A few years out of college, I was working as a news producer/anchor at a small radio station. I was asked to speak to a group of high schoolers for career day. Several of them balked at my modest success. They were destined for greater things. They laid out their plans for me: go to college, get a job at the college station, graduate, ease into a morning or afternoon drive slot on a major radio. 

When great expectations are also unrealistic expectations, frustration and disappointment are the outcome. There is nothing that says those kids couldn’t end up as major market deejays, but it was going to take work, sacrifice discipline and time. It wouldn’t always be easy and it wouldn’t always be fun.

Great expectations require great effort.

Some people who harbor great expectations expect a lot but don’t expect to do a lot to get it. They often believe in the myth of the Overnight Success. It sounds great … the starlet that was ‘discovered’ in the coffee shop, the inventor who made a million off of his simple gadget, the basketball phenom. The only problem is the Myth of the Overnight Success is just that, a myth.

Ask any Overnight Success and they will tell you that their success occurred over many nights, often years of nights. They had sleepless nights wondering how the bills would be paid, after they sunk all of their savings into the business. They had nights on just an hour or two of sleep because their work had them waking up early and staying up late. They spent nights tossing and turning because they lost the game or got cut from the team or didn’t get called back after the audition. Yet they preserved, they kept going and eventually, they became Overnight Successes!

For me, great expectations also require a great deal of gratitude. Gratitude gives perspective. Gratitude keeps one grounded in the now. Gratitude allows you to be thankful for what you already have. Without it, those with great expectations don’t see all of the blessings that surround them. They stay transfixed on the pie in the sky and don’t see the feast spread out before them.

Expect the best. Put forth the effort and do the work. Be grateful for what you have and the people you meet along the way. You'll be a success (maybe not overnight, but you will succeed)!

Looking Good Now

It was a rough couple of years. First there was unemployment, then there was work stress and financial stress and on top of all of that (I suspect) hormonal imbalances to boot. Basically, I’ve packed on the pounds.

I’m working hard at losing the weight but I’m finding that at 43 it’s not quite as easy as it used to be. What’s a girl to do? I work out. I eat less. I’ve eaten mini-meals throughout the day. I’ve starved myself. I’d drank enough water to grow gills. It’s been, and continues to be, a long and frustrating process.

I look in the mirror and wonder, “What happened to Karyn??? She’s disappeared under a sea of fat!” I don’t feel attractive. I don’t feel confident. I certainly don’t feel sexy. And despite my shopaholic tendencies I don’t feel like shopping either. I don’t want to buy clothes in my current size. I don’t want to be relegated to the ‘Womans’ section or Lane Bryant. I want my old body back or a reasonable facsimile.

It’s gotten so bad that I have practically worn out the few fitting clothes I have. I've had no choice but to do a little shopping. So one afternoon, I reluctantly ventured into Ross and approached my size. I headed into the dressing room with a sense of dread, my head hung low. I tried on what I’d picked out and I was horrified … not just by the size but by the unconscious transformation. I picked out frumpy, style-less, bland clothes. When I looked in the mirror, I felt less like me than I ever had before. I heard the ringing. This was my wake-up call.

I am changing. This is true. I am working on losing. I will not be this size and this weight forever. However, I need clothes now and I need to look good in those clothes now. I need those clothes to be a true reflection of me regardless of the size. So I came out of the dressing room handed the stack of bland clothes to the sales lady and made another pass at the racks.

This time I went for bright, rich and vibrant colors, not just the depressing blacks, grays and browns. I was able to find clothes that had more shape and style, not ill-fitting shapeless mumus. When I made the second trip to the dressing room, I fared better. I saw in my reflection clothes that not just fitted but reflected the woman that I am – funny, quirky and upbeat.

I got tons of compliments on two of the sweaters I’d picked out. It felt good, like I had recaptured part of myself I’d let go. I hadn’t realized how much weight had impacted my life. I had stopped feeling good about myself on the inside and it showed on the outside. I promised myself that day in that dressing rooom that it was going to stop.

The destination is important but so is the journey. So on the way to weight loss, I plan on looking and feeling my best. I owe it to myself.

Salsa, Anyone?

It’s not really a resolution but I have promised myself that this year I’m going to make an effort to get out of the house. I have a full-time job and I blog and write in the evenings. So, I have developed a very bad habit of going to work and going home. It’s gone from being routine to being a rut. I’ve known for a while that I needed to do something, but as we all know knowing and doing are two different things!

In 2012, I’m going to do. I belong to several Meet-Up groups (through www.meetup.com) yet, I couldn’t remember the last time I actually attended an event. I revisited the site and retooled my membership. Deleting inactive groups and finding a few new ones. Since my meet-ups are based on my interests (photography, dancing, hiking, socializing) then there is no reason why I shouldn’t go.

The problem was getting over the inertia. I think getting started with anything is the hardest part. We are creatures of comfort and we, as human beings, seem to resist change, even when it’s good for us. Whether it’s a diet, a new software application or a procedure that’s changed at work, we like the old way.

As a life-long list maker, one way I get over the inertia is to put it in my Blackberry as a task. I love checking off a task and it nags at me when I can’t! In the past, I’ve just not put social events on my task list or calendar. If it’s not there, I can’t check it off! So, I’ve started adding those events to my planner process.

The first item on my list – line dancing class – was Wednesday night at 7:00. Normally, that’s when I’m settling in to being home. Now, in order to go to class, I had to eat dinner early, change into workout clothes, leave the house again, in the cold, and drive over 20 minutes to get there. The old me would have passed. This time I made myself go.

It was worth it. I danced. I laughed. I had fun. I had a lot more fun than I would have had cocooned in my house, wrapped in my writing sweater with the dog lurking somewhere in the background.

I really wanted to keep the momentum going so the next night, I met with another meet-up group for dinner at a restaurant I'd wanted to try. The food was okay but the conversation was great.

The hardest part is getting started but I think that after you have had some success or in my case fun it gets easier. Next on my list: meeting with the photography meet-up, Zumba class and salsa lessons!

Is Just Enough Good Enough?

I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine. She described me as a Type A personality. I disagreed. Yet, as we continued to talk, I realized that we had different definitions of Type A. According to my friend, someone with determination and drive is a Type A. In my mind, a Type A person is someone who is very competitive, unyielding and who has a difficulty being flexible. So I guess using her definition I would be a Type A.

As we continued to talk, she said that I was one of those people who'd always be striving because nothing for me would ever be 'good enough'. I disagreed with that assessment, wholeheartedly ... but it did get me to start thinking about it.

We live in a society that pushes us to do, achieve and have more. Why have a Mazda, if you could have a Mercedes? Sure, you enjoy your job but wouldn't you rather be a manager? Yes, the 27" flat screen is nice but wouldn't you rather have the 40" or even a 60"?

I was late getting into the smartphone craze and my first smartphone was an old bulky Blackberry. When I ran into a problem and took it into T-Mobile, the salesman exclaimed loudly that I was on an 'old' phone. Several other patrons turned and looked at me.

I explained that I had a problem, and I wanted my problem fixed. What I did not want (or need) was a new phone. I wasn't phased. I wasn't embarrassed. I wasn't going to let this kid make me feel bad about my phone!

For me, I'm perfectly fine driving my Mazda and not owning an iPad, iPhone, iPod or iAnything Else. I like my house, I don't need a bigger one. For me, these things are good enough and I don't need, miss or crave anything more.

Yet, there are areas where just enough is not good enough. I want to write more books. I want to sell more books. I want to grow my business. I want to get married. I think there is a lot of room for growth in my career and in my personal life. In these areas, I want more and what I have now is not enough.

So what am I saying?

I'm saying that we need to determine when just enough is good enough and when it's not. And, it goes further than that. If we determine that what we have and where we are is not good enough, then we need to be prepared to roll up our sleeves and work harder, smarter and differently.

I think the disconnect for a lot of us comes when we want more but we aren't willing to do more. In those cases, I think it's important to have a serious conversation with yourself. Basically, you need to decide if what you say you want really is what you want. If it is, you need to find a way to motivate and push yourself to move forward. If you really don't want to put in the work, that's fine too, just accept that truth and learn to be content where you are. There isn't anything wrong with that if you are being true to yourself.

Fretting about Tomorrow

The same therapist that explained the connection between the past and depression explained to me that anxiety is future-based. People who suffer from anxiety worry about what would, could and should (or shouldn’t) happen. They approach tomorrow with a sense of dread and fear that seeps into their daily lives. Fear paralyzes them and stops them from taking action. They are simply overwhelmed.

If you ordered a product, you wouldn’t worry about it arriving defective or broken. You expect it to come in good working order. If it does arrive broken or with parts missing, you’ll handle it at that time, Yet, we don’t do that when we worry about tomorrow.

Some of our worries are well-founded. If you mailed off a payment knowing you don’t have the money in the bank to cover it, you’ll probably be worried … and rightly so. If you are cheating on your spouse, you probably should worry about getting caught.

However, many of our worries are unfounded. We make bad situations potentially worse when we speak them with words like always and never. I’ll never have enough money. I always meet the wrong men. I will always be stuck in this situation. Things will never get better.

Talk like that creates a lot of anxiety. We take the power of our imaginations and use it for the negative. We think of all the possible worst-case scenarios. If something has ever happened to us that supports our negative thinking then we will replay that event over and over again and assume that since it happened once before, it will, more than likely happen again.

As I said in the last post, if your anxiety is debilitating and preventing you from moving forward, you might want to consult a therapist. However, if you feel you can handle it, the best antidote for anxiety is planning. Plan for the thing you fear. Do as much as you can today to prevent the negative tomorrow from ever taking place.

As soon as I have a plan in place and begin acting on it, I feel better. I feel more in control. You might not be able to solve the whole problem but the act of doing something is making progress and you climb a mountain one step at a time.

After I’ve done all I can do, I acknowledge that I’ve done all I can do. It might not be perfect. The problem might not be solved but it might be a little better. If it isn’t better, at least I don’t have the regrets that I didn’t do all that I could.

I went through10 months of unemployment. As soon as I lost my job, I called the bank to see what I could do with my mortgage. This touched off a 10 month battle to try and keep my house. Talk about anxiety. Where would I go? How could I find an apartment without a job? Then my imagination kicked in. I would have to return to Cleveland, humiliated, and live with my family… at 41 years old. I’d be depressed. I’d be even fatter and I was convinced that I would have lost all will to go on. I invisioned myself wrapped in a blanket sitting on the sofa in the basement in my pajamas with a hair disheavled, tears in my eyes and a box of Kleenex at my side (what can I say, I have a vivid imagination!).

I did all that I could. I borrowed from family and friends. I tried to save up my meager unemployment money to make a payment. I contacted HUD, all of my congressional representatives, made a complained with the Commission of Banks, used my tax refund money and prayed relentlessly. It was overwhelming. Many, many tears were shed.

Finally, I realized that I had done all I could do and although it wouldn’t make me happy, I was willing to put my house up on a short sale. I hated the thought but I had no regrets because I had done all I could do. As I was heading home to call my agent, I got a call. It was a job offer and it saved my home.

I was fraught with anxiety that entire time but when I was working toward a solution, I felt a little bit better. Doing something, at least for that time, helped.Taking action helped combat my anxiety. If I had to do it again (and I really hope I never have to), I would add talking back to those negative thoughts and using my imagination more proactively instead of letting that negative movie play.

It doesn’t make sense to worry about things that haven’t happened yet; but it takes real actions and hard work to overcome those anxious thoughts and emotions.

The Journey of the Little Steps

At the beginning of the year, I decided I was going to read the Bible, the whole thing, from Genesis to Revelation, all 66 books. I found a reading plan and on January 1st, I started.


During the first two months, I felt as if I was never going to get through as I flipped to the first few pages of the Old Testament and the first few pages of the New.


After a few months, I realized that reading just a few pages a day, was really making a difference. Now that the last quarter of the year is upon us, I can see a ton of progress. The end is in sight! This is one goal I set for 2011 that I will definitely make!


Little things do add up to a lot. It didn't seem like it was going to be enough at the beginning but I stuck with it and wow! Looking back, I wish I had been more diligent with the weight loss and the savings. I got impatient with the slow progress and I struggled on both fronts.


However, I am going to use this Bible reading experience as a testament (pun intended) to what chipping away, day-by-day can do. Those little efforts have yielded a huge result!

Karyn's College Study Guide

I am so excited for my little sister! She is starting college today. She’s had about a week to get settled in and her first classes begin today.

My college years were great. I had a ton of fun, made some good friends and learned some valuable life lessons. Although it was fun, I never forgot why I was there. I was there to get my degree and my father made it abundantly clear that it needed to happen in four years and poor grades would not be tolerated.

So, I developed a system for studying that allowed me to study Sunday through Thursday. I never had to cram for tests and I was always prepared. Plus I had weekends off to have fun with my friends.

I decided, as I gift to my little sister, I’d write out my strategy and share it with her. In fact, I’m if you have kids, siblings, cousins, or others who need something like this, email me at coach-u@live.com and I’ll send you a copy. Put College Study Guide in the subject and I’ll get it right out to you.

Balancing Act

There is a lot of talk about balance. Juggling responsibilities, making time for work, family, friends, social obligation and, of course, self. But what does balance look like?

Well, I don't know. But, I'll tell you this much. It isn't perfect. Many people view balance as a pie with perfectly equal slices. Or a scale with both sides in perfect balance. Nothing could be further from the truth.

My definition of balance is making some time for the things that matter most. Sure you might like a weekly date night with the spouse or a monthly girls'(or guys') night out. It would be great to have hours a day to spend with the kids but the truth of the matter is that life will often prohibit that from happening.

Work demands, long commutes, errands, chores and the business of life encroach on our time. So to me balance is more about quality than quantity.

You might not be able to have date night every week but you can have some down time to talk at the end of the night or even have some nice conversations on the cell phone in traffic. You might not have hours a day with the kids but you can make the time you have count. You might love to curl up on an afternoon with a book but that's a luxury you cannot afford.

True balance is recognizing the ebb and flow of life. There will be times when work demands or family concerns are increased and you have to cut back in other areas. That's okay. Do what you can with what you have. When the crunch passes increase the amount of time for other tasks.

The key to balance isn't perfect symmetry and alignment. It's finding a way to incorporate the things that matter into your life in a way that gives you a little happiness and peace.

A Helping Hand

As the recession lingers on for many of us, it's easy to find ourselves wrapped in a cocoon of worry and despair. We feel helpless. We feel hopeless. We don't know what to do or where to turn. It's when we are in these lowest moments that it is even more important to reach out to others, to look outside of ourselves.

I was out of work for almost a year. About two months into my unemployment, I started to get depressed. I was at home alone all of the time, looking for work and wondering what would happen to me if I didn't find work. It was too much. With no husband, boyfriend, children or even roommate, I was alone all of the time. I got a good idea of what solitary confinement might be like and I didn't like it!

One night, I called a good friend in tears. She told me what I already knew ... I had to get out. But where and how? I had tons of time and no money. She suggested I volunteer. I found an organization and it literally changed everything.

Ironically, I worked with a local job readiness training program. It put me in touch with people. It gave me a reason to get up in the morning. It allowed me to do something I truly love (training). Most importantly, I met people who had similar struggles to mine ... and I met people who were a lot worse off. It gave me a much-needed sense of perspective. It also gave me a sense of pride because I was able to do something for these people. I looked forward to seeing them everyday and I know that many of them looked forward to seeing me.

I was struggling and could barely do for myself but here, it was different. I could make a difference. While I looked for work, I helped others find and keep work. I helped them develop their skills. I helped them see things in themselves they had never considered. I loved it.

A client even recommended that I apply for an open position at her old company. I did and I got it. So volunteering helped me find my current job!

As I approach the one year anniversary on my job, I still keep in touch with the people I volunteered with and I volunteer and visit when I can. I'm hooked. I think Jacob's Ladder will always play a role in my life. It's that important.

If you want to volunteer, there are many organizations that could use your help: schools, churches, community centers. If you don't know where to go or what you want to do, start here: http://www.volunteermatch.org/. You can find organizations in your area and based on your interest.

Be the change you want to see. : )

Walk then Run

The road to weight loss for me has not been an easy one. So, recently I decided to add a running program to my weight loss plan. Now this is a huge deal for me. I have not run since my 10th grade gym teacher made me run a mile to pass gym (and I was sick that day). Since then, the only things I run are bath water and my mouth! I don’t run for the bus, I’ve never run for office. Run, for me, should be runn because it's definitely a four letter word!


So I went online and looked up a walk-to-run program. Over 10 weeks, you start with short intervals of running (jogging) followed by time walking. During the program, each week, you increase your run time and decrease your walk time. At the end of the 10 weeks, you’re running 20 minutes without stopping. Since I’m not really ready to walk/run outside, I decided to start with my treadmill first while I build up some endurance.


I called a good friend of mine and shared with her my excitement about my new plan. My friend, a former runner immediately jumped in and tried to help. She wanted to know how fast I’d be running. She didn’t really see the point of all those intervals. She suggested I start running outside because that’s better than running on a treadmill. There were tons of things I needed to do or hadn’t considered. It was sort of overwhelming.


All of the sudden, I wasn’t excited anymore. As I felt my enthusiasm waning, I stopped myself and then I stopped her. I told her I appreciated her help and her advice. And I’m sure she’s probably right about everything BUT …


I just want to get started.


Sure there might be better, more technical ways to begin but this was my way and as I see it, some running is better than no running. Running (or jogging) faster than I would walk is a good thing. As my confidence grows, I’ll venture outside, but right now, as a struggle through running for 30 seconds before stopping, I would feel too self-conscious to run past neighbors or at the gym. I don’t want perfection, I just want a start.


She understood and I told her that I would be seeking her advice or even a running buddy on down the line but right now I just needed to begin.


My victory isn’t in running flawlessly, my victory is in running at all.

The Time Tale

One day a woman Tessa attended a motivational seminar for work. One of the exercises asked her to list the things that mattered most to her. For Tessa this was easy. She quickly jotted a few things down. At the top of her list were: God, family, health and her writing. She felt proud as she put her pen down. "I know what is truly important," she thought to herself.

Next the facilitator asked her to think about how much time and attention she gave to the items her list.

Of course God was important, but she hadn't attended church in ages or even cracked open her Bible since she didn't know when. She meant to carve out prayer time in the morning, but how could she get up any earlier? Her days were packed and at night she was just too tired.

Surely she'd fare better with family. "Did time spent shuttling the kids back and forth count?" someone asked jokingly. He said only if it was quality time. If everyone was listening to iPods, texting and talking on phones then it didn't count.

This cut the time Tessa spent with the kids in half. She didn't even want to think about how much quality time she spend with the hubs. Date night was a nice concept, but that was about it.

Now, she cringed as she thought about exercising (which she rarely did) and eating right (a Snickers for lunch might satisfy but it's not actually healthy).

Writing was something she always planned to do when there was time, and there never was time.
Now Tessa was discouraged. She had a full-time job. She had kids to raise. She had other obligations. She'd seen the movie Eat Pray Love but who has months at a time to devote to spirituality and love? Definitely not her!

However, as the facilitator continued, the amount of time was less important than the quality of time and the fact that she made time for these things at all that was most important. She could make a lot of little changes to accomodate the things that she valued. She left the seminar vowing to do just that. 

A month later, she had made some significant changes.


God:

• She got some inspirational books on CD and started listening to them on her commute to work.
• She found a bible study that was close by that she could attend once a week.
• She and her family started attending church more often.

Family:

• Although they objected at first, she made some of their car time (some, not all), talk time and not iPod/gaming/texting time.
• She worked out a babysitting schedule with another couple so they both could get a date night once a month.
• She and the hubs tried to find at least a few things that they could do together as a family (like brunch after church) or even watching a favorite TV show together.

Health

• She started planning her meals which made dinner at home healthier for everyone.
• Sometimes she'd pack her lunch and other times she'd go to the cafe in the building and make better choices.
• She started taking short walks in the evening (and sometimes even during lunch at work). Her daughter often accompanied her so it served as family time too.

Writing

• She started keeping a journal and jotting her thoughts down in the evening before bed.
• She's even thinking of blogging.

The great thing about these changes is that they were small, doable changes. They didn't require a lot of time. Although they took some effort - planning meals, arranging date night - most of the planning took just a few minutes.

When Tessa looked over her month, she could not only see the changes she'd made but she felt she was living a life where she made time for what mattered most.