Is it Time Yet?

How long is too long? I’ve often hear people say they stay in a bad relationship or job because they’ve already put X number of years in. That never made sense to me. Wouldn’t that be even more of a reason to get it over with and get on with your life?

I think people that say this are dealing with a few things. First: fear. They would rather be unhappy with what they have than face the possibility of being unhappy with something unfamiliar. Really though, isn’t the risk worth it. After a while, the possibility of happiness in the bad situation dwindles. However, the chances of your success in another situation don’t change.

Second: comfort. In the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson makes a statement about human nature that is almost always true. He said, “All experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.” People will put up nonsense and settle for far less than they deserve because the status quo is easier than change.

Third: hope. In their heart of hearts, some people believe that sheer force of will and enough endurance will change their situations. This could be true if you are in your situation alone but force of will and endurance won’t change another person’s thoughts, actions and behaviors.

When you look at how much you’ve invested in a situation, ask yourself whether it is worth it to invest anymore? Your time is more valuable than money and you would not consistently invest your hard-earned dollars in a product or stock that consistently lost your money. So why spend your invaluable time with people or situations that don’t provide a return on your investment?

Hedging Your Bets

I was talking to a friend the other day and the topic of marriage came up. She is pretty anti-marriage. Her logic goes like this: since half of marriages end in divorce why get married? Believe it or not, this is not going to be a treatise in praise of marriage (I’ve been single all my life so what would I know). However, it is simply remarkable to me that it is the possibility of failure that makes up her main argument.

The possibility of failure exists everywhere. So what!

Car accidents occur every day but I don’t see that stopping anyone from driving. People lose their jobs through lay-offs or firings every day but most people still chose to go to work and when they are out of work, they look for work. Some children are born with medical or developmental issues and most families have a history of some sort of disease, does that stop people from having kids? No, of course it doesn’t.

The possibility of failure exists; however, most people do a few things to reduce that possibility.

1. They realize that they outcome is greater than the risks. The joys of parenthood outweigh the potential risks of developmental or medical issues. The idea of sharing a life with the one you love becomes more important than being single. The ability to make money, gain benefits, and utilize talents makes employment worth the possibility of a lay-off, or worse, a firing.
2. They take the proper precautions. Drivers get car insurance and wear seat belts. Workers arrive on time and do their jobs correctly. Pregnant women take prenatal vitamins and make regular doctor visits. Those who value marriage invest in pre-marital counseling. People do what they can to lessen the possibility of failure.
3. They weigh options and make decisions accordingly. This doesn’t mean that people don’t make mistakes but they look at the pros and cons and study the facts prior to making a decision. Most people won’t buy a used car with bad brakes and bald tires unless they plan on changing them immediately. It would be a clearly risky move. A man or woman who enjoys dating might decide that this isn’t the best time to settle down with one person.
4. They trust themselves, their guts and their instincts. After assessing the risks, taking precautions and weighing options, they step forward with the confidence that they have made the right decision with the facts at hand. When you trust yourself and your ability to make sound decisions, even if you end up making a mistake, you'll probably have the courage to turn your situation around. That courage doesn't exist in those who are guided by a fear of failure.

My point is this: Never let fear of failure or, fear in general, stop you. Do the best you can to mitigate the negatives and then move ahead or move into another direction. If you try and fail, get up and try something else. Regrets don’t come from taking a chance. Regrets come from deciding not to do anything at all.

Shoe Shopping, Life Lessons

Over the weekend, I went shoe shopping. I know that sounds like fun for most women but, I have a confession to make. As much as I love, love, love shopping for clothes (or home wares, or groceries or just about anything), I hate shoe shopping. I really do!

Yet, there I was trying on shoes. I found a cute pair and tried them on. They were a little loose. But, still, they were so cute! Maybe I could get used to them. I mean they weren’t that bad. And, did I mention, they were cute!

But I had to admit that it just wasn’t a good fit. So, I didn’t get them.

I wonder, though, how many things we have in our lives that truly aren’t a good fit. A job, a relationship, friendships? Are we settling for them because they are good enough or because we are afraid we won’t find anything better?

Changing the not-so-good-fit things in our lives starts with a bit of truth. We have to first admit that it isn’t a good fit. It’s too loose or too wide. It’s too small and it hurts. Maybe we’ve had them a while and what was once a great shoe is now wore and ragged.

Maybe you’ve outgrown the job. Maybe the relationship is confining or you’ve realized you can’t make it work. Maybe you are just tired of being sick and tired. Whatever the case, the truth is that it doesn’t fit.

Next, you have to be bold enough to make a change. In my case, I was at the register when I decided not to buy the shoes. As I looked at the shoe box, I saw the size, 8 ½ wide. I’m not a wide. It was the confirmation I needed. I was there, with my credit card ready to be swiped and I said “No thanks.”

You have to be bold enough to gather the requisite information and make your decision. Of course, changing your life isn’t nearly as easy as deciding not to buy a pair of shoes. But you need to start gathering the information you need to confirm your decision.

So I walked out of the store shoeless. I know there will be another pair of shoes with a perfect fit but I don’t have them now. I’m okay with that. In some instances, I could walk right into another store and found the shoes I wanted. In other cases, it will take more time.

When you make a change in your life, it could take some time before you find your perfect fit and you have to be okay with that (the exception is a job, do not leave a job until you have another one!). However, when you do take the leap of faith, make sure your next shoe, job, relationship has a great fit!

Life Lessons: The Better Test

September is a reflective time for me. As I turn 43 this month, I started thinking about some Life Lessons I’ve learned over the years and thought I’d share them.

The Better Test is simple. Look at your life – the people, activities and events – and ask yourself if this person or thing makes you a better person in some way, shape or form. If they do, great! If they don’t, start moving them out of your life.

I had a ‘friend’ that didn’t pass the test. We’d been friends since childhood but had grown apart. I realized that she did not rejoice in my successes and she seemed to revel in my failures and my low points. She was always critical and negative about things I wanted to do and almost seemed to resent me in a passive-aggressive way. When I looked at the totality of our relationship, I realized that this person consistently sabotaged me and tried to make me question and feel bad about myself.

She failed the test. Slowly, I started to move her from my inner circle to the outer circle. We still talk from time to time but we aren't nearly as close as we used to be and that was my decision.

When it comes to relationships, ask yourself the following questions.

• Does this person motivate me to do and be more? Are they supportive of me?
• Do they share my interests?
• Do they make me laugh and help me see things from another perspective?
• Are they there to help me up when I fall down?
• Do they tell me the truth when I need to hear it?
• Can I count on this person to be there for me?
• Do they get me?

If those are too many questions to ask, here’s an easier way to apply the test. Ask yourself how you feel when you leave this person’s company. Are you happy? Have you enjoyed your time with them? Or, are you frustrated? Do they leave you doubting yourself, feeling insecure or just plain drained?

I’m not saying you should summarily dismiss a good friend who’s going through a rough time, but I am saying to look at the people in your life and ask if they generally add something positive to it. If not, quietly move them out of your inner circle.

The same applies to the job you have and the activities you engage in. Does your job challenge you? Are you learning new things? How is the work environment? How do you feel when you head home at the end of the day? Being tired is one thing, but leaving stressed, upset, angry or frustrated on a consistent basis is something else all together. 

If you are volunteering or engage in social activities, do you enjoy them or are you just there out of obligation? Do you like the people you are dealing with? Do you look forward to participating in your activity or do you dread it? If you dread it or don't enjoy it consider not doing it.

My goal is to surround myself with people, events and activities that make me a better version of myself. Even if a friend is just there to make me laugh, that is a good thing and I appreciate. Everyone in my inner circle is there for a reason. Hopefully, I'm in their inner circle for a reason too.

Think of your life as a play – a one-man or woman show. You are the star. You want to fill your first two rows with those who have scored highest on the Better Test. These are your biggest fans. These are the ones who clap the loudest and who really want you to deliver a tour-de-force performance. Let the people who might boo or walk of the performance, sit in the back ... way in the back. Those are the ones who have failed the test. 

For a better life experience, surround yourself with people who pass the Better Test.

Do You. For You.

Kim, a good friend of mine runs a blog called Recession Lessons. It’s filled with special offers and tips on saving money. She is an expert at saving money. In fact, she's passionate about it.

I was talking with her a while back and she shared with me some feedback she'd received from a Facebook post about coupons. Several people revealed that they could never go into a store with coupons. What would people think?

Well, I went into my favorite grocery store during a double coupon event and between sales and coupons, I saved $48. I told any and everybody. I was not ashamed. I was proud and darn proud at that!

My point is this. I might never see the people in that line again. Even if I did, who cares? I’m not trying to impress strangers or acquaintances. I’m trying to live my life in a way that decreases stress and increases my happiness and peace of mind. I saved the equivalent of a tank of gas and that is what mattered to me.

Living for others - what they might think and what they might say - is not a priority for me. I don’t dress for others. I don’t shop for others. I love earrings and if I want to splurge on a pair of two, I will but it’s because it’s what I want, not because someone else will be impressed.

Do you, for you. Take control of yourself for yourself. Don’t make yourself a victim to someone else’s illusions.

How to Make a U-Turn

A few posts back, I shared a story about a time in my life when I needed to make a u-turn. I realized the direction I was heading in was not really the direction I wanted to be going in. It started out like a good idea, but the further I went down that path and the more I learned, the more I realized that where I was headed was not where I wanted to be.

The question was posed to me, how do you make a U-Turn and when I thought about it, there are several steps to making a big, sometimes, life changing about face.

1. Be Honest with Yourself. This can be hard in and of itself. Where ever you are headed, you probably put some thought and time into what you are doing and where you are going. You started with good intentions. You might still even enjoy it or see some value in it, but ultimately, you know you need to make a change.

When in doubt, go with your gut. At the same time, don’t be rash about it. This is the time, while you are contemplating the turn, to figure out why you feel the need to change direction. This leads to step number two.

2. Ask Yourself Some Tough Questions.
What is wrong?
Is it something that can be changed?
Are you really that you are headed in the wrong direction or are you just frustrated with the pace of your progress?
Could it be that you have run into a large obstacle on your current path?
If frustration or obstacles are your problem, then are you really in need of a u-turn?
If the frustration or obstacles were removed, would you be satisfied with the path you are on?

3. Map Your New Course. When you are driving and you realize that you are going in the wrong direction, you may or may not think about the next steps in your drive. You instinctively know you are going the wrong way and you turn. You will deal with the rest of your trip as you go, knowing that if you make another wrong turn, you can quickly readjust.

Life isn’t so easy. Making a u-turn in real life could involve a lot of major adjustments: investing in additional education, moving your family to a new city (or back to a familiar one), getting a new job, starting a business, or even getting married or getting divorced. You need to figure out your new direction and plot a course to get there.

4. Be Prepared to Eat Crow. Be clear to discuss your u-turn and your plans with those who will be affected and those who are supporting you with your decisions. However, be very careful about sharing your thoughts, your doubts and your plans with those outside of your inner circle. Heck, be careful about who inside your circle you share your thoughts with if you believe that their input will not be helpful and supportive.

U-turns run counter to what people think. Besides, there are probably a number of people who believe you should stay on your current path. You might be called wishy-washy at best, or uncommitted or outright wrong. You could be called worse. Make sure you put on your thick skin.

Finally realize you don’t have to defend and justify your decisions to everyone. Allow those who disagree to disagree. Stick to your guns.

U-Turns can be ugly but they can also be very necessary!

Who Are They? And, Why Do They Matter So Much?

What do you have to prove? Most importantly, who are you trying to prove it to? Many of us get caught in that trap where we are trying to ‘show’ those who don’t believe in us that we really do have what it takes. We want to ‘prove’ to the naysayers that they were wrong about us. We need to defend our choices and show them that we know what we are doing.

But, why do they matter so much?

Validation and acknowledgement are powerful forces. We all need positive reinforcement and it’s wonderful when we get it. However, if we get too wrapped up in showing and proving and defending ourselves, we lose sight of what really matters. We sacrifice our independence as we grow more and more dependent on what others think about us. We lose sight of our vision as we try to show and prove ourselves worthy of their admiration.

A few posts ago, I talked about making a u-turn, what happens when we realize that, for whatever reason, we are on the wrong track and we need to readjust. Sometimes we need to make a u-turn or get on another highway all together.

One of the things that can stop us from making that needed change is placing too much weight on what other people think or say. We don’t want to look as if we were wrong about our own path. “What will they think,” we wonder. Will they think us flighty, foolish or maybe even failures? So we stay on the wrong path, knowing that it’s the wrong path and all the while hoping that somehow going in the wrong direction will somehow become right.

We let others dictate our actions, which dictate our direction which dictates our destiny. Who’s in control now?

Letting go of the need to prove or show something to others is a vital part of achieving success on your own terms. You can’t change anyone’s outlooks or thoughts. You can’t make anyone see anything they don’t want to see. And good luck getting anyone to admit they were wrong.

Yours is a race with just one runner. You. Show yourself how good you are and what you are capable of. Prove to yourself that you do have what it takes. Will they come around? Maybe and maybe not? But stay true to yourself and the right people will eventually come around to give you the validation you crave.

Living life on your own terms means realizing that those terms are yours and not theirs.

Who are they anyway!?!

U-Turn

You have a plan. You are committed to your plan. You are working your plan. But, something isn’t right. You are getting results, but you aren’t happy with the results you are getting. It isn’t what you expected. In fact, you aren’t even sure this is what you want anymore. You might even know that you don’t want it anymore. What should you do?

Well, a U-Turn might be in order.

From the time I was a little girl, I wanted to be an attorney. On rainy days, I’d play court in the basement. I would set up two TV trays, one representing the defense and the other the prosecution. For the judge, I moved one bar stool behind the bar and placed the ice breaker there so he could pound it and demand “Order in the court.” My teddy bear Curtis played all the witnesses. I would jump from tray to tray, examining and cross examining my ‘witness’ and occasionally I’d jump behind the bar and pound my mallet and make a ruling. What can I say, I was an only child.

When I got to college, I declared journalism as my undergraduate major. I thought the focus on writing and speaking would serve me well when I got to law school. There was one problem. By the time senior year rolled around, I had this nagging feeling that the law wasn’t for me. We had to take a number of law classes in –J-School, because the law plays such a major part in a lot of the news stories we’d be covering and I realized something. I didn’t like it.

I realized that I was in love with the idea of the law. I was in love with what I thought it was. The reality was something different entirely. And I didn’t like that reality.

My path was clear though. I was traveling in one direction. I was looking into law schools and my boyfriend at the time was looking into trying to get his commission somewhere near where I was going to be (based on the law school I chose). My father and my family were looking forward to having a lawyer in the family.

I made a U-Turn … and a pretty big one at that.

I decided not to go to law school. I couldn’t see spending three years and tens of thousands of dollars doing something I knew I didn’t want to do, something my heart was no longer in. I also knew, for a bunch of personal reasons, that I needed to end my relationship … and it really was me and not him. I just wasn’t ready.

My father and family still regret that I’m not a lawyer. I’m sure my ex- doesn’t regret the breakup, as he went on to meet and marry a wonderful woman and they have a great family. Regardless of what anyone else thinks or thought, what they feel or felt, I had to do something for me.

I disappointed everybody; but, I’m okay with that. I couldn’t live my life for them. I had to be true to myself. As the only one living my life, I’m the only one who controls when to put on the brakes, when to speed up and when to make a u-turn.

I’ve made a few more u-turns since then and I’ve taken my share of flack for those decisions but I’d rather chose my own path then have someone chose it for me or stay on the wrong path for fear of what someone else thinks.

When a driver makes a u-turn, it’s because he realizes that he’s going in the wrong direction and no matter how hard he tries, going the wrong way will never get him to his destination. Think about it.

Life Coaching in the News: Look Before You Leap

Some of the biggest scandals of 2009 involved several very public transgressions, in particular, the scandals of now beleaguered golfer Tiger Woods and the gallivanting governor of South Carolina, Mark Sandford. I do believe that a certain amount of celebrity and or power creates an aura of invincibility. Surrounded by people who hang on your every word, encourage your every deed (good and bad) and agree with every idea or opinion can create a skewed world view. I just wonder what would have happened, if these men had taken a moment to look before they leaped.

It’s not a four-letter word, but it is a four-syllable word that many people don’t like to hear: consequences. And all of us, regardless of stature and notoriety have to face them. Thinking before you act helps to protect you from the negative consequences of our potential actions.

In both cases, both men should have considered the effects that their actions would have had on their families and their wives. In Sanford’s case, he didn’t just lie to his wife but he lied to an entire state about his whereabouts while he went to visit his Argentinean mistress – leaving the state without a governor for days.

These are major transgressions played out of the national and international media stage, under the hottest of spotlights that 99.9% of us will never have to face. Yet, we still have to face consequences for our own actions.

There are consequences for big things like:

• embezzling money, even if you need it and have a good reason for taking it.
• cheating, even if your spouse doesn’t understand you or seek to meet your needs.
• getting behind the wheel after having a few drinks.

There are consequences for the smaller things like:

• underperforming at work or school, whether you like the assignment or not.
• not controlling your anger and lashing out (verbally or physically), even when you feel justified or that the other person was wrong.
• procrasinating around important tasks and decisions, even if they are difficult or boring.

There is always a reason, even a good reason for ignoring the obvious consequences but that reason (feeling justified, being wronged, being bored) does not shield you from consequence.

Hindsight is 20/20. It’s easy to think about what we could have, should have or would have done differently. Foresight is a lot harder. It’s not as easy to see where we could go, what we should do or what would be best. Yet, it helps if we just take a moment before we leap to take a good look at where that leap will lead.

Gut Check

There is the heart, there is the head, and then there is the gut. When I make my best decisions, I’m usually going with my gut.

My head tries to be rational and logical. It’s like Dragnet, “Just the facts, ma’am.” When I’m using my head, I’m writing lists of pros and cons. I’m thinking about the consequences. My head loves a logical argument and can be persuaded by the bottom line. It likes it when things are clear and final and most of all, when they make sense.

My heart is sensitive and emotional. It easily gets swept away. Like a sailboat, it goes whichever way the emotional winds are blowing. I can be swept away with love or fear or resentment or any number of intense emotions. It all depends. My heart loves strong and passionate feeling. It likes it when the emotion is so high that it almost takes my breath away.

But my gut is that mysterious feeling in the pit of my stomach. Unlike the other two, I’m still not sure how to convince it. It knows what it knows. It feels what it feels. And it has an uncanny track record of being right almost all of the time.

Of course, ideally, the three arrive at the same conclusion. There is no certainty quite like the certainty that comes when head, heart and gut agree. But when they don’t, I’ve learned to go with the gut.

When my heart is head over heels, but my gut tells me to proceed with caution. I tread lightly.
When my head says that the cons far outweigh the pros, but my guts says there is still something wrong. I step back instead of just jumping in.
But when my gut says it feels right, even when it doesn’t seem logical or when it isn’t the sexy and passionate thing to do, I make my move.

Of course, it’s taken me a while to get to this point, the seductiveness of the heart and the precision of the head can be hard to resist but they just haven’t given me the same consistency and reliability of my gut (and I have the heartaches and missteps to prove it).

When in doubt, go with the gut check. You won’t be disappointed.

Today's image is courtesy of http://serenadraws.wordpress.com/2009/04/