Fretting about Tomorrow

The same therapist that explained the connection between the past and depression explained to me that anxiety is future-based. People who suffer from anxiety worry about what would, could and should (or shouldn’t) happen. They approach tomorrow with a sense of dread and fear that seeps into their daily lives. Fear paralyzes them and stops them from taking action. They are simply overwhelmed.

If you ordered a product, you wouldn’t worry about it arriving defective or broken. You expect it to come in good working order. If it does arrive broken or with parts missing, you’ll handle it at that time, Yet, we don’t do that when we worry about tomorrow.

Some of our worries are well-founded. If you mailed off a payment knowing you don’t have the money in the bank to cover it, you’ll probably be worried … and rightly so. If you are cheating on your spouse, you probably should worry about getting caught.

However, many of our worries are unfounded. We make bad situations potentially worse when we speak them with words like always and never. I’ll never have enough money. I always meet the wrong men. I will always be stuck in this situation. Things will never get better.

Talk like that creates a lot of anxiety. We take the power of our imaginations and use it for the negative. We think of all the possible worst-case scenarios. If something has ever happened to us that supports our negative thinking then we will replay that event over and over again and assume that since it happened once before, it will, more than likely happen again.

As I said in the last post, if your anxiety is debilitating and preventing you from moving forward, you might want to consult a therapist. However, if you feel you can handle it, the best antidote for anxiety is planning. Plan for the thing you fear. Do as much as you can today to prevent the negative tomorrow from ever taking place.

As soon as I have a plan in place and begin acting on it, I feel better. I feel more in control. You might not be able to solve the whole problem but the act of doing something is making progress and you climb a mountain one step at a time.

After I’ve done all I can do, I acknowledge that I’ve done all I can do. It might not be perfect. The problem might not be solved but it might be a little better. If it isn’t better, at least I don’t have the regrets that I didn’t do all that I could.

I went through10 months of unemployment. As soon as I lost my job, I called the bank to see what I could do with my mortgage. This touched off a 10 month battle to try and keep my house. Talk about anxiety. Where would I go? How could I find an apartment without a job? Then my imagination kicked in. I would have to return to Cleveland, humiliated, and live with my family… at 41 years old. I’d be depressed. I’d be even fatter and I was convinced that I would have lost all will to go on. I invisioned myself wrapped in a blanket sitting on the sofa in the basement in my pajamas with a hair disheavled, tears in my eyes and a box of Kleenex at my side (what can I say, I have a vivid imagination!).

I did all that I could. I borrowed from family and friends. I tried to save up my meager unemployment money to make a payment. I contacted HUD, all of my congressional representatives, made a complained with the Commission of Banks, used my tax refund money and prayed relentlessly. It was overwhelming. Many, many tears were shed.

Finally, I realized that I had done all I could do and although it wouldn’t make me happy, I was willing to put my house up on a short sale. I hated the thought but I had no regrets because I had done all I could do. As I was heading home to call my agent, I got a call. It was a job offer and it saved my home.

I was fraught with anxiety that entire time but when I was working toward a solution, I felt a little bit better. Doing something, at least for that time, helped.Taking action helped combat my anxiety. If I had to do it again (and I really hope I never have to), I would add talking back to those negative thoughts and using my imagination more proactively instead of letting that negative movie play.

It doesn’t make sense to worry about things that haven’t happened yet; but it takes real actions and hard work to overcome those anxious thoughts and emotions.

Lies We Tell

According to an iVillage poll, 95% of women responding came clean about telling little harmless white lies. What was shocking to me is that 65% admitted to lying to themselves. What are they lying about? Mainly, these women lie about weight-related issues. They lie about how much they weight or how many calories they’ve consumed.

I don’t actually see the point of lying to yourself about anything but especially about something as concrete as the number staring back at you on the scale or how much you’ve eaten. It’s sort of like lying about what’s in the bank, either it’s there or it isn’t. When it comes to dieting, a realistic approach is essential.

How can you ever improve a situation if you don’t own up to the truth of that situation? Granted, if you feel the need to lie about it, it probably isn’t good. Yet, how can you really make things better if you don’t start with a clear snapshot of what you’re dealing with. The key is to not beat yourself up when you know the truth. Lying about it is temporary at best and will never lead to any improvement. Accept the truth but don’t accept the self flagellation and harsh words that usually come with it.

Your mantra should be “Now that I know the truth, I can deal with it.” Remember the first step to solving any problem is looking at that problem as exactly what it is. Once you’ve done that, you’re in a position to do something about it … and that’s when the real fun begins.

The Person You Need to Forgive

"To err is human. To forgive is divine."

Forgiveness is divinebecause it asks us to do something that is virtually impossible for us mere mortals. I'm suppose to forgive the people who wronged me? I'm supposed to just let it go? Forgiveness is hard because many times we feel (and actually are) entitled to our rage, hurt and pain. Feeling that rage, hurt and pain can feel good, but for how long?

After a while unforgiveness and the feelings it causes can consume us. It can make us sick. It can ruin our relationships or even prevent us from having healthy relationships. There are consequences for not forgiving.

What happens though when the person you have to forgive is you? How do you forgive yourself? Before I answer that, I should backtrack and tell you the what and the why of self-forgiveness.

Forgive yourself for what? Good question. You are forgiving yourself for mistakes, missteps and missing the mark. If you are beating yourself up about it, if you are drowning in a sea of 'what ifs' over something, if you are besieged with negative self-talk and thoughts about a certain situation, then you need to forgive yourself. Mistakes happen. Some times you let yourself down. Other times you do the best you can with the information and instincts you have only to find out later there was another way. It's okay. You have to learn what you can from those situations and let it go.

Why forgive? If you don't forgive yourself, you'll find that these past transgressions will keep you locked in a holding pattern, unable to move forward or stuck making the same mistakes over again. The negative emotions associated with not forgiving yourself will manifest somehow. No matter how you try to push those feelings down, they will come to the surface in some shape or fashion, usually at the wrong time or directed at the wrong person.

So how do you forgive yourself. There are different ways to do it, here is what has worked for me.

1. Think about what you need to forgive yourself for. Focus on one issue at a time.
2. Spend some time in meditation addressing the issue: why did you do (or not do) what you did; what can you learn from that mistake; who were you at the time you made the error and how have you grown and changed?
3. Apologize to yourself for your mistakes.
4. Recount all of the things you have learned from this situation. What positives can you take away from what has happened? What won't you do again? What will you do differently the next time a similar situation arises?
5. Develop some affirmations or statements you can use when you start to feel that unforgiveness again.

Keep in mind this is a process, it takes time. You will probably need to do it more than once, but it is worth the effort.

Forgiveness is a part of love. To love yourself fully you must forgive yourself fully. 

Seek and You Shall Find

When quoted in the Bible, Jesus is talking about seeking and finding God, but I've found that it's true in other areas. What we seek, we find.

A friend of mine works in the hosptiality industry and recently ran into one of his most difficult customers. She was literally looking for reasons to be upset. The driver didn't know she was waiting for a ride, so it wasn't a mistake, it was his attempt to "try to make her late." When she didn't get her food fast enough, the wait staff had something against her. And so it went, on and on.

She was looking for problems and she found them at every turn. If she ran into a case where she didn't find a problem, I'd venture to guess that she'd make one up.

Seeking the good means that you will more than likely find the good but it doesn't make you immune to the bad. It does, however, change the way you handle the bad when it occurs.

I spent two years in Los Angeles. I worked as a temp for the majority of the time I was there, but I was always looking for full-time work. At one point, I thought I'd found it. I'd submitted several samples of my writing and had 3 successful phone interviews. In fact, towards the end of the process, phrases like "when you start," and "you're first assignment will be," were used. I just had to have a face-to-face meeting.

Well, it was clear that my potential boss was not expecting an African-American. She saw me in the waiting room (the only one there) and left for several minutes and came back. I think she'd thought that the white Karyn Beach might be in the bathroom! LOL! Well, our interview lasted ten minutes and she never once made eye contact. Of course, I didn't get the job.

So what did I do? I stopped by the Coffee Bean and got my favorite drink (a white chocolate mocha), went back home, wrote a short thank you letter and started looking for jobs again. It was her loss, not mine. She had seen my work and knew what I was capable of and she let something as silly as race keep her from hiring an awesome employee!

Her actions weren't going to keep me from gainful employment. She wasn't a paralyzing defeat or justification for every negative mantra I'd thought to myself over the years. Because I try to focus on the good, I knew that something positive was just around the corner. I just had to find it. She was a small pothole on my road to success.

People who make a habit of seeking the good usually find happiness, friendship, love, success, peace of mind. People who make a habit of seeking the negative usually find drama, hardship, setbacks and sorrow.

Which will you choose?

Your Own Best Friend

If your best friend suffered a major setback, what would you do?
Would you...

a) Be there with the Kleenex and a shoulder cry on?
b) Comfort her and let her know everything would be okay?
c) Sit down with him and help him map out next steps?
d) Call her stupid, ask her why she always messed up and tell her that things would never change?

Normally, we do a-c for a friend in trouble, and we reserve d for ourselves. We understand the need to be understanding and compassionate to others; but we reserve the meanness, criticism and outright cruelty for the person who matters most.

Sometimes, a little dose of 'tough love' might serve as motivation - a swift kick to get you up and moving. However, too much tough love becomes a paralyzing force. It immobilizes us and stops us from moving forward. It turns a failure from a temporary setback into a permanent fixture. Sometimes, we can shame ourselves so badly that we actually end up taking two steps backwards.

When it comes to your self-talk or inner monologue, talk to yourself as you would talk to a best friend. Be gentle. Be kind. Like you would with a true friend, you want to also be truthful, but there is a way to deliver that truth with grace and caring.

Be to yourself the kind of friend you would love to have, the kind of friend you already are to your friends!

Don't Tolerate It

Abuse in any way shape or form is wrong. Be it physical, sexual, emotion, verbal or otherwise. Just about everyone knows this and will rally to the aid of anyone they know who is being abused. Yet, there is one form of abuse that is still acceptable.

We often engage in patterns of abusive thoughts and emotions when it comes to ourselves. We call it ‘pushing ourselves’ but, truth be told, many of us take it a step further. Some of us take it a step too far. We berate, talk down to, and abuse ourselves.

I can speak about this because I did this for many years. “I’m so stupid.” “I can’t believe I did that! What kind of idiot does that?” Or “No wonder you can’t find a spouse/get a promotion/etc…” Since I would eventually get back up and dust myself off, I convinced myself that this kind of abusive self-talk was okay. I convinced myself that it was helping me.

It took me years to realize that the opposite was true. I could rebound faster without the emotional beat down. I could get beyond my setbacks and shortcomings with love for myself.

One thing is clear. When you are in the throes of emotion, clear thinking is next to impossible and that’s when you need it most. It is possible though to drown in a sea or frustration or get lost in a thick forest of discouragement. In fact, things seem a lot worse when a lot of negative emotion is attached. And when you are feeling bad anyway, the very last thing you need is to feel worse.

I still have feelings of discouragement and frustration. I still make mistakes. Those things will never change. But what has changed is my response to them. I feel the emotions but I try not to add to the situation by piling a whole lot of negative self-talk on top of them.

I try to replace the reactive self-talk with proactive questions.
“Okay, I messed up. What can I do next time to keep this from happening again?”
“What can I learn from this?”
“What did work in this situation? And what can I do differently the next time?”

I would never tolerate abusive language and behavior from someone else, it was time to stop tolerating it from myself.

Friendless

I used to have a very bad habit of beating myself up. If I didn’t meet a goal I’d set for myself or if I didn’t perform as well as I had hoped, the negative voices would start. “Goodness! And people actually think you’re smart.” “You can’t do any better than that?” “Just look at you!”

Then, I was talking to a friend after a particularly bad day and she said something remarkable. She said something that literally changed my life. She said, “If you talked to your friends the way you talk to yourself, you wouldn’t have any friends.”

Wow.

She was right. I go out of my way to be positive and kind to my friends, co-workers … and even strangers, but I was unable to extend that same basic courtesy and kindness to myself.

It was at that point that I started really observing how I talked to myself. It was shocking and I knew it had to change. So when the negative self-talk would start, I’d start talking back. “No, I’m not an idiot.” “I made a mistake, these things happen.”

On several occasions, I even broke out the pen and the pad and wrote out what I liked about myself or all the reasons why I wasn’t an idiot. And it took some time but it began to work.

I can’t say that I never have a negative thought or that I never throw myself a good old fashioned pity party, but it happens now a lot less frequently and when it does happen it doesn’t happen for as long.