Managing the Manipulator

For the five Mondays in July, we'll deal with dealing with one type of difficult person.

If you look at your relationship with someone and find that you are always the giver and they are always the taker, you’re probably dealing with a manipulator. When they are willing to take beyond what is comfortable for you to give, you’re definitely dealing with a user.

A user plays on your emotions and your good nature to get what they want. Yet, when you need something they are absent or come with a good excuse. They expect you to take no for an answer but when you try it, you better have your bags packed because you are in for quite a guilt trip!

They will take money, time, clothing or anything you have got. Some people are just manipulative. Others have learned to manipulate because it has gotten good results for them in the past. The spoiled child grows up to be an adult who uses tantrums, guilt and everything else to get the results they have always gotten.

They aren’t always easy to spot. Some will look like that pouty, bratty child. Others will be demanding and argumentative. However, a lot of them will be sweet and nice. The way to tell a manipulator is through their actions not through their attitude. They want something from you and they want it now. If you feel that sense of dread coming when they begin their latest tale of hard luck or woe, you are probably dealing with a manipulator.

So, how do you handle them?

1. Set boundaries. Let them know what you can and can’t do. They need to see that there are limits. They need someone to babysit every evening this week. Let them know you can do two days and what two days they are. Stick to your guns when it comes to the boundaries you set.
2. Say No and mean it. There are times when the answer is no, so say it. Often they will come up with a variety of ways to ask for the same thing. You have one thing to say and that is no. You can change it up too but at the end of the day, the translation should be the same – “No.” If you need to soften it a bit, throw in a “I’m so sorry but I can’t help you.”
3. Don’t give them a time frame. If you say, “I don’t have $200 now but see me on Friday when I get paid,” guess who you’ll be seeing on Friday? This is not a good technique to use because you are just delaying the inevitable and making a touchy situation even more sensitive.
4. Attach some strings. Give them a contract to sign, a date to pay you back, or something to do in exchange for the money. Hold them accountable and mean. 

I Wish You Well

Over the years, I have been lied to by people I expected to always tell me the truth. I’ve been kind and generous to people who did not deserve either kindness or generosity. I’ve even turned the other cheek on occasions where a good slap could have felt a heck of a lot better. I used to get upset. I used to wonder ”Why me?” Sometimes I still do have those responses, but inevitably, now much sooner than later, I end up feeling the same way. I say to those who have wronged me, either in person or mentally, “I wish you well.”

I don’t wish them well with sarcasm or bitterness. I sincerely wish them well. First of all, holding on to anger hurts me more than it hurts them. I read a quote once that said refusing to forgive is like taking poison and hoping the other person will get sick.

Everything that happens happens for a reason and I truly believe that our mistakes, missteps and the evil people do, teach us lessons ... some a heck of a lot harder to learn  than others. I try to find the lesson. What can I do differently next time? What should I watch out for? What are the warning signs? What shouldn’t I tolerate? What can I start doing right now to make this situation better? Once I have the lesson, I’m prepared to move on. And, I move on with the knowledge that will prevent whatever happened before from happening again.

I am a better person than I was before and I wish them well.

Now wishing someone well and being the vehicle by which they do well are two wildly different things. I wish you well. I wish you get the help you need. I wish you see what the consequences of your actions. I wish you stop hurting yourself and those around you. I wish you get some peace and some happiness.

HOWEVER, I shouldn’t and won’t be responsible for getting someone help, or showing them the consequences of their actions or getting their pain to stop or taking on their happiness and peace of mind as my personal mission.

When I wish someone well, I release them of the power that hate, resentment, bitterness and even fear gives them over me. I send them out of my live without negativity. And, most often, I am sending them out. I don’t have room in my world for people who don’t have my best interest in mind. In the case of toxic family, I might not be able to send them out but I can keep them at a distance. Self-care is about more than bubble baths and manicure; it’s about doing what is best for you physically, emotionally and mentally.

Crush the Rush

Once we get out of bed, in a rush to get dressed. It’s a mad dash to get to work and once you get there a lot of time you are running from meeting to meeting. At the end of the day, you rush home, blow through an errand or two, gulp down dinner, blaze through what’s left of your evening, and plop into bed exhausted, just so you can get up and do it all over again.

By Friday you are wondering where the week went. What’s really sad is that the weekend is no better. You find yourself Sunday evening asking where the weekend went!

Rushing has ruined many a day and a frantic morning can set the tone for the rest of your day. You know what they say, an ounce of prevention beats a pound of the cure. So here are a few of my favorite personal tips to help you crush the rush and get success over your stress!

Take Five: I take five minutes (sometimes less) to lay out my clothes and accessories the night before. Get your kids in the habit of doing this as well.

Put It in Its Place: I make sure my keys are on the little high table near my door and that my purse is in the kitchen ready to go. Anything I need in the morning has a specific place and after I’ve gotten my clothes together, I make sure all of those items are where they should be. No frantic searching for misplaced items in the morning. If you have young kids make sure your places are high enough up that they can’t reach them.

Quick Fix: I love, love, love my Steamfresh veggies and side dishes. I throw a bag in the microwave and five minutes later, I have steamed broccoli or green beans or even nice little vegetable medleys. Mmm, mmm good! I’m loving them even more now that I can get rice, pastas and even potato dishes in Steamfresh too. When they go on sale, I make sure I stock up!

Eliminate Morning Emailing: I do not turn my computer on in the morning! Nothing sucks up your precious morning time like a ‘quick check ‘of your email. If you must, add another 20 minutes to the step below.

Ouch: This is going to sound ugly but get up 10 minutes earlier. I know, you are saying to yourself, “I’m not a morning person!” Neither am ! Just 10 extra minutes in the morning can give you just enough time to avoid the mad dash that can color our whole day if we let it.

Little changes can make a big difference to improve your mood and help you enjoy your day that much more!

Succeeding with Saboteurs

For the five weeks in July, every Monday we'll deal with dealing with one type of difficult person.

If you have ever embarked on a diet, started an exercise regime or considered a career change, you have probably run into a saboteur. They are there with the cookies when you are trying to watch your eating, they want you to take a walk through the parking lot to happy hour instead of heading to the gym. They point out every potential risk in your new undertaking. Basically, when you need support the most, they not only refuse to give it but seek to derail you.

For the saboteur change is a bad thing. They want to maintain the status quo, change is to be avoided at all costs. Sometimes the urge to sabotage is based out of fear – fear your relationship will change, or even end, if you change. If you lose weight, maybe you’ll find someone else. Other times fear is of you wanting them to make a similar change. If you start working out, you’ll want them to start working out … and they don’t want to work out!

Maybe change would make things more difficult for them. You cutting back on your expenses would mean cutting back on shopping sprees with them. If you get another job, they will lose a valuable work ally.
Finally, your change might be holding up a mirror for them in their lives and, they might not like what they see. They want to do something different too. By you actually doing it, makes them wonder why they haven’t taken the initiative.

Regardless of why, you don’t want their efforts to derail your success.

1. Put them at ease. If you sense they are resisting your change out of fear, then assure them that you will still want them, need them and love them, regardless of the change. Once you have eased their fears, tell them how they can help you.
2. Let them know of the new status quo. While some things will change, others will remain the same. Maybe you won’t be buying as much, but you are still available for shopping trips with your friend. Even though your budget is changing, there are lots of fun things you can do.
3. Have a Plan B. There will be times when you give in to the saboteur’s efforts. So have a plan for getting back on track. Remember, success isn’t flawless, there are always setbacks. When you fall, get back up!
4. Get a team of supporters. For every saboteur, there should be at least one person you can turn to for support and encouragement. Lean on these people and allow them to bolster you when you are down, and when you can, return the favor!

Happy 4th of July!!

What Would You Do?

I was thinking the other day about what I'd do if I won a ridiculous amount of money in the lottery. What would I do if I won $200 million dolllars?

Of course, I'd pay off my bills. I'd give a big chunk to my dad and pay for my sister's education. I would help all of my friends who are struggling. I'd pay off my house but I wouldn't get a new one. I love my house. It's perfect for me, so I think I'd stay. I also love my little Mazda 6. I don't need a BMW or a Lexus; but, I think I'd get the new Mazda 6 fully loaded.

But beyond those basic things, I'd need to do something everyday. Of course I'd travel, but I don't think I'd want to travel all of the time. I'd want to be productive and do something, for others and for myself.

For others, I'd give to my favorite charities and I'd also give back some more. I've had a dream of starting my own mentoring program and college fund for kids in the middle, the ones who everyone ignores. We pay a lot of attention to the gifted students and we make a ton of efforts to help those who are in trouble and at-risk, but what about the ones in the middle? What about the C students who go to school everyday, avoid trouble and just want a decent life? I'd do something for them.

For myself, I would also take this opportunity to learn. I would take culinary and photography classes. I'd become the photographer I've always wanted to be. I'd take the fun I have in the kitchen to a whole new level. I'd also be free to write and not have to worry about making a living.

So the question I asked at the end of this protracted daydream is why not start creating that life now? Heck, I don't even play the lotto, so how can I win it? LOL!

Maybe I can't pay off the house or start a new foundation or travel the world. But I can make do more volunteering. I can make more of an effort to study my photography and get out more and shoot. I can enroll in a cooking class or even buy a few cookbooks that can start to take me from novice to accomplished home cook.

The life we want doesn't need to be relegated to flights of fancy and daydreams. We can start right now, right where we are and all of our lives will be better for it.

Whoa there! Negative Nelly!

For the five weeks in July, every Monday we'll deal with dealing with one type of difficult person.

There are some people whom you hate to see coming. When they open their mouths, you know what's coming next. It won't be positive. It won't be encouraging. It won't be helpful. It will be negative, emotionally-draining and leave you feeling worse than you did before they showed up. This is Negative Nelly or Negative Nelson.

Nelson's glass is half-full. In fact, it's less than half-full, it's almost empty. And, if you ask Nelly, she'll tell you why. It's the waiter's fault. She never gets good service at this restaurant. In fact, service hasn't been good since the 70's. "Why, oh why, can't we go back to that time?!"

Negative Nellies/Nelsons refuse to see the bright side of anything. Usually, they aren't just looking for the dark side, they are also looking for who to blame for the clouds. As someone who has to deal with this type of person, recognize that it isn't your job to understand them and it certainly isn't your role to change them. All you can do is decide how you will interact with them.

1. Don't encourage them. When you need someone to complain to or to commiserate with you, do not call Nelly! She'll take it and run with it. More importantly, she'll begin to see you as a kindred spirit, someone who shares her demoralizing outlook.
2. Stop them. Once they start, change the subject or just excuse yourself. You do not have to be subjected to a long-winded diatribe. When you start feeling drained, change the subject. If that doesn't work, excuse yourself - end the conversation, stop the texting, get off the phone. 
3. Refute them. Since Nelson and Nelly are usually looking for someone to blame, they may start looking at you, especially if you aren't taking their negativity. Have some information to counter them ... this is especially true on the job. Be armed with information to challenge them when they turn their negative eye towards you. The purpose isn't to confront or engage them. It is simply to stop them and make it clear that they need to focus their efforts elsewhere. You will not tolerate it.

Next Week: We'll be dealing with Saboteurs - the--people who actively stand between you and your success!