The Fear Factor

I have a friend who works for one of the Big Three Automakers. We talked recently and she told me about the paralyzing fear that many of her co-workers have. Many of them have been with the company for decades and they don’t know what to do. With all that’s going on fear is a natural reaction but my friend told me that many of her co-workers have let fear consume them to the point where it has paralyzed them.

They are scared to look for something else because in many cases, this has been what they’ve known for so long that they are scared to take a chance somewhere else. At the same time, they are scared to stay where they are and they live throughout each day with the painful anxiety that comes while they wait for the axe to fall.

Another friend of mine is with a company that is downsizing. Yet, she’s scared to even look for something else. She knows her lack of a degree will prevent anyone from hiring her. So she stays put, not even exploring any other options. She hopes the 16 weeks of severance she thinks she’ll get will be enough.

None of us are immune from the power of fear. A few months ago, I made a very short-sighted financial move. The thing is; I knew it was a bad idea. But I was so scared of not doing anything and I felt I had to do something, so I made the move and continue to pay for the consequences months later.

Fear can be a debilitating, nerve-wrecking, soul-churning experience. What if’s snowball each one pessimistically worse than the one before it. It’s a quote that I’ve used before, “95% of the things we fear never come to pass.” Yet, the feeling of fear, the emotion of it, can be so strong that logical thinking is the first casualty of that snowball as it gains speed careening down that hill.

Granted, these are fearful times. Recession. Job losses and the threat of more job losses, the housing market, the stock market, there are real and legitimate things to fear. Yet we (me too) cannot let those fears get the better of us. So what can we do?

1. Get It Out. Confide in a good friend. Someone who can calm you do and point out the things that aren’t so bad. Maybe someone who can also help you sort through your options.
2. Look Up. Focus on the positive. A few months ago, I started keeping a gratitude journal. At the end of everyday, I write down things that occurred during that day that I am thankful and grateful for and appreciative of. Curiously, when I was in the midst of my own panic, I didn’t journal on those days. I wonder if I had, would changed my perspective enough to stop me from making the mistake I made.
3. Do something proactive and productive. My friend’s lack of a degree will prevent several companies from taking a serious look at her. But she’s got an impressive work history and a lot of companies can look past the degree to what she’s done and give her a chance. She won’t know that until she tries though.
4. Calm down. Pray. Talk to a friend. Do yoga. Take a walk. Cry. Do something to release some of that fearful emotion. You might not get rid of all of it but you might be able to take it down to a manageable level.

These are fearful times, indeed. But they weren't always so stressful and frustrating and they won't always be stressful and frustrating. As a friend told me, the only way to get through it is to go through it. So let's be kind to ourselves and support one another as we navigate our ways through these rough waters.

Extreme Self-Care: When You Look Good ...

This is the sixth in a ten part series called, Extreme Self-Care: It’s Not Selfish!


It’s called The Lipstick Effect. Basically, in tough economic times, when they can’t afford life’s more expensive luxuries, women turn to lipstick to feel good. This phenomenon can be traced as far back as The Great Depression. And, after 9/11, lipstick sales shot up. The Lipstick Effect is also felt with women recovering from catastrophic illnesses. As they begin to feel better, one of the first things they reach for is that trusty tube of lipstick.

Incredibly, almost instinctively, we recognize that feeling better is linked to looking better. Even if you prefer a natural look at slather your lips with Chapstick instead of lipstick, no one can deny the pick-me-up that comes with a favorite outfit, a good haircut or a whiff of a favorite scent.

Whether its jeans and a pair of sneakers, a sexy pair of heels and a pencil skirt or a favorite floral dress for summer, slipping into something that makes you feel good is an essential part of caring for yourself.

Looking your best is a boost for your confidence and can give you a better outlook on life.
You don’t have to be a shopaholic or break the bank to look good. Go through your closet and find your favorite outfits and accessories. Make periodic visits to your hairstylist. Invest in a good conditioner, shampoos and products you can use between visits. You don’t have to get manicures and pedicures on a weekly basis. Learn to buff and paint your own nails and get a Ped-Egg to make your feet stay in shape between visits.

And smile. It’s your best accessory! The act of smiling is an automatic mood enhancer.

Memories

I grew up with Michael Jackson. I remember watching the Jackson 5 cartoon on Sunday morning, singing Rockin’ Robin and ABC with my cousins. One of the first albums I ever bought was Off the Wall. And, of course, there is Thriller.

A few months ago, my friend Cindy stopped and the movie 13 Going on 30 was on. Jennifer Garner’s character, who went from 13 to 30 overnight, needed to get a boring party started. In the movie’s most memorable scene, she gets the DJ to play Thriller and then stands in the middle of the dance floor by herself and begins to do those legendary zombie moves. The whole crowd joins in.

Cindy (who’s about 6 years younger than me) balked. She said, “Like all of those people would remember that dance.” Without saying a word, I got up and did it with them, that is how influential that dance, that video and that album are to people my age. Yes, Cindy, we do know it. We still know it!!

I remember loving MTV but never seeing any black artist’s videos. It was Michael Jackson who broke that color barrier with the iconic Billie Jean video. I could go on — the Motown 25 performance (that introduced the moonwalk), the Bad and Beat It videos, the one glove, the fact that boys with jheri curls and Thriller jackets were once thought to be good catches, all part of my best memories.

I still love the Jackson 5, Off the Wall, Thriller and even most of the work he did through the 90’s (Man in the Mirror, Remember the Time, Keep it in the Closet to name a few). Unfortunately, I had to watch with horror as his golden image was tarnished by an eerie physical transformation; increasingly bizarre behaviors (remember the oxygen chamber, Bubbles the Chimp and the shear nuttiness that was Neverland), and worse of all, the allegations of sexual abuse and unsettling sleeping arrangements with young boys.

When I was 15, my mother died. As she succumbed to a multitude of diabetic complications, I watched her become weak and frail, a shadow of the dynamic woman who raised me. Yet I choose to remember her as the strong, intelligent and vibrant force that she was for the majority of her life. And so it will be with Michael. I will remember the wonderful memories that he will always be a part of and when I think of him, I will smile.

Farrah Fawcett also died yesterday. As a child of the 70’s almost every boy I knew had that poster of her in the red swimsuit. But she really came to life for me, as Jill one of the original Charlie’s Angels. She will always be a part of one of my fondest Christmas memories. I will never forget running down the stairs and seeing my Charlie’s Angels action figures. LOL!

Farrah reinvented herself in the 80’s courtesy of the television movie, The Burning Bed. She showed that she was more than a pretty face (and incredible hair), she could act too. In this last year of her life, she reinvented herself again as one of the many courageous faces of cancer. She gave us all a gritty and unflinching glimpse into her fight against this disease. Beautiful, bold and brave is how I will remember her.

Is It Worth It?

Now I don’t normally comment on current events in my blog but the scandal involving South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford as well as some disturbing statistics I’d heard about infidelity got me thinking. According to one study almost half of married men and a third of married women admit to being unfaithful. So, I have to ask, “Is it really worth it?”

In Governor Sanford’s case, he has lost a lot and the damage that he’s done to his career (and most likely his marriage) is beyond repair. Here is a man who many thought could be the 2012 Republican nominee for president. He’s governor of a state in addition to being a husband and a father.

He disappears for five days leaving the highest office in the state vacant. He lies about his whereabouts, leaves the country and spends five days in Argentina breaking up with his mistress. His marriage is in shambles, his children will be affected, he’s already resigned his position as the head of the South Carolina Republican Party and is no longer a contender in the 2012 presidential race.

So, was it worth it?

Maybe it was. Maybe Sanford didn’t want to be the Republican Party’s golden boy. Maybe he didn’t want to be married. Maybe he didn’t even want to be governor. If he was looking for a way out — a way off the speeding train that was his career — then he got it. And one can argue that it was worth it.

However, if he thought he could juggle a wife, a mistress, running a state, being courted for a run at the presidency and not be adversely affected, then he was wrong. So wrong.

The stakes are unusually high for Sanford, but a lot of people gamble with their lives, their marriages, their children’s lives, their reputations and sometimes even their jobs when they make the series of choices that lead to infidelity. So I ask again, is it worth it?

And it isn’t just infidelity. People gamble every day when they make the series of choices that lead to embezzlement, tax evasion, drunk driving, plagiarism, and the consequences can be very high. Yet, if we take a minute and really consider what will happen after the initial thrill is gone, when you look at the possible outcomes (a lot more negative than positive), is it worth it?

Is the short-term pleasure worth the long-term pain? Is it really worth it?

Tomorrow is Friday!

TGIF!!!
Time to Get Into some Fun!

Hopefully, where you are it will be nice and warm and sunny but even if it’s raining, do something for the sole enjoyment of it.

• Go to the beach.
• Walk at a park.
• Play paintball.
• Run through the sprinklers with the kids.
• Run through the sprinklers if you don’t have kids!
• Invite some friends over.
• Take in that movie you’ve been wanting to see.
• Play with the dog.
• Take a dip in the pool.
• Pop in your favorite CD or turn up your IPod and dance around the house like a fool.
• Better yet, dance outside like a fool and entertain your neighbors.
• Karaoke.
• Read a trashy novel.
• Eat a big, gooey hot fudge sundae.
• Drive up to the mountains.
• Take a relaxing drive – anywhere.
• Barbeque.
• Go to the farmers market.
• Find a shady tree and fall asleep under it.
• Wear a funky hat.
• Catch some fire flies.
• Have a water balloon fight.
• Put on something sexy and wash your car.
• Find a drive in movie theatre, go with your S.O and get frisky in the car.
• Have lunch outside with your BFFs.
• Have a romantic picnic .
• Buy some cool new sunglasses.
• Get a department store makeover.
• Give yourself a makeover.
• Enjoy a cool fruity drink.
• Dance outside under the stars.
• Sing loudly with the car radio.

Whatever you do, do it! And do it with Wild Abandon!!! Have FUN!!!!!

Extreme Self Care: With the Kiddies

This is the fifth in a ten part series called, Extreme Self-Care: It’s Not Selfish!

Kids often make it difficult to take the time for self-care. Something as simple as curling up with a book or taking a bath becomes a lot more difficult when the little ones are involved. Yet, it’s even more important to take time for yourself when you are a parent. When you take time to rest and rejuvenate, you are less likely to snap at kids and more able to enjoy them. You just need to be a little more creative about it.

First of all, make good use of your downtime. If you have an hour to kill while your daughter is in dance class, take a short walk or have a favorite book or magazine in the car that you enjoy. Slip out after class starts and then slip back in before it’s over. You can have a nice half hour to yourself.

Again use that babysitting barter arrangement to get an evening alone. Have a friend with kids have your kids for an evening or a sleep over once a month and you take their kids once a month to give them a break.

As your kids get older, you can explain the need for some down time to them and strike a deal. Negotiate. You want to take a relaxing bath. Let them know that this is an excellent time for them to do their homework. When you are done, you will review their work and then they can have some time to play their favorite video game or watch their favorite DVD. However, if you have to cut your bath short, or they don’t do their work, all bets are off.

If you have older kids who are able to watch younger siblings, give them the responsibility for watching their little brothers and sisters in exchange for a reward of some sort.

Taking time for yourself is also a good exercise to model for your children. It shows and teaches them the importance of balance. Kids need to see that while their interests and needs are important, it’s equally important to recognize and respect the needs, space and time of others.

Got Questions????

Whether you realize it or not, you are in constant conversation with yourself – no not in a crazy-hallucinating-talking-to-a-little-purple-imaginary-troll-inside-your-head sort of way; but in a constant internal monologue sort of way. And like any conversation, you are constantly asking and answering questions.

What kind of day would you be having if you were asking yourself questions like these?

• Why can’t it be Saturday?
• How come there is always so much traffic?
• I'm so tired. Will I really have the energy to work out after work?
• How did she manage to get the promotion?
• Why aren’t there any decent restaurants around here?
• How come I never meet any decent men?

You get the picture.

Whatever you ask, your mind will work on coming up with the answers. Basically, the questions we ask, determine the answers we get.

If we want different responses, we need to ask different questions.

Ask "Why do I always attract losers?” Your mind will come up with answers. "Because you are a loser magnet." "Because all of the good ones are taken." "Because you should have married your ex." Now, don't those answers make you feel good!

If you asked, instead, "What can I do to meet more quality men (or women)?" you automatically put yourself into a more positive and proactive mode. You will automatically start coming up with answers to your questions.

"Maybe I should take that class." "I could start attending those networking meetings." "So-And-So knows a little bit of everybody, maybe she could introduce me to someone." Now, how do those answers make you feel.

Try it.

Instead of ... "How come I'm always broke?"
Try "What can I do to start spending less money."

Don't ask, "How did I get stuck in this crappy job?"
Ask, "What is it that I really want to do?"

Want to make a real difference in your life, start by replacing your puny and pathetic questions with positive and powerful ones!